Kneeling in the Autumn Garden

[tectak]

Kneeling in the Autumn Garden

Something in my chest that smells like my heart Unfortunate music hall opener."I say, I say, I say
....my dog has no nose!" " How does he smell?" " Terrible".  A rethink I think. Do you get my point?
twists and slides quietly
under the fallen leaves;
under the aspen leaves, the cherry leaves, the apple leaves
that lie still over the red stones. ....but something contrastingly beautiful follows. Watch out for that old chestnut "lie still"...or should it be "still lie" and if not why not? Make purposeful meaning clear. Either way...I am hooked

Something in the air that smells like a cold hearth There must be a better way. Ahaa! Something in my chest /the air that smells OF my heart/a cold hearth. Well, You would have got there soon enough.
sinks and pools idly
between the  waiting stones;
between the patient stones, the stubborn stones, the durable stones
that lie unburied on the steady ground. We are off...beautifully appropriate repetition...do not be dissuaded

I reach out my hand but do not touch
close to the chill earth Awkwardly constructed. " do not touch close to" is enigmatically compromising.To be "not touching" is a  parametric tautology when modifying "close". Change it
over the place where no warm rustle was; You may mask an inversion, but it is still there. Tense is forced to be an issue. l reach/ rustle was. You may got away with it. I reach(ed) out my hand but (do) did not touch the chill earth over the place where no warm rustle (is) was? I could not fail to disagree with you less.
over the lost leaves, the gold leaves, the heavy leaves
that lie absently on the enduring stones. You need to explain "lie absently". Help

I bow my head but not to the weight of pain
downward to the unseen track beneath the leaves (1)I watched him move imperceptibly.....hmmmmm
downward to the unfelt rustle of warmth(2)
downward to the unburied patience of the stones(3)
and feel the cold and stubborn kindness of the turning earth. Phew! Concrete

Leah S.

Rushed. Sorry. Kindly meant.
Best,
tectak