Damn This Field

[paulcanuck]

Hi Dale - thanks for reviewing and commenting. Some responses below
cheers

Damn This Field

Damn this field!
Plowing is rough
In this wind, in this dust

Damn you, field!
Never offered a crop  (offered no crop- to echo the first stanza) yes you are correct - that would better reflect the earlier line. Hmmm - that word "never" is important in the context - I'll think on that
Worth this work and this fuss

Whoa there, Bess!
Don't hurt yourself!
Ten furrows left
Won't be long now  (lose the "now") wanted "now" to rhyme with "plow"
We'll unhook this plow ("I'll unhook" unless Bess has hands) I use "we to establish his affection for the horse - kind of "we're in this together" If you've ever dressed a toddler - it's like "we're going to put on our pajamas" - but they aren't much help!

Curse this land!
For burning these hands, (don't need the "for" it's understood) Maybe, but if you leave it out there is a tendency to invent a subject in front of it. Like "I'm burning these hands" - I want it to be clear he is blaming the land/field.
Sticking knives in my knees

Curse you, land!
All the pain you demand
You should be rightfully pleased (maybe "righteously" instead of "rightly", a little more irony that way.) I love that idea - righteous man!

Hold on, Bess  (Maybe "girl" instead of "Bess") I had considered that - I would lose a bit of rhyming but might be worth it.
My God you sweat!
Just eight rows left
Won't be long now (drop "now")
Then you can rest

Damn you, field
For taking Pa
Still see him slumped over (This is an awkward line, breaks up rhythm) TBH, it is awkward on purpose. Nothing more awkward than a dead man slumping!

And for muffling the shout
Of his heart giving out
By your weeds in the corner (This whole section needs reworking, so you only have to address the field once) Respectfully couldn't agree less hehe   The field is only being addressed once in the previous stanza unless you are considering "your" in this line as addressing the field. This section is meant to stand out as different. He is at an emotional peak here talking of his dead father.

Hang on, Bess
Don't injure yourself
Six furrows left
Won't be long now  (not long now)
We'll get you some rest ( leave out "you") Deliberate again - he doesn't include himself until the end stanza. His first concern is the horse, otherwise he will be seen as feeling sorry for himself IMO

Damn you, field!
You never upheld  ("kept")
Your end of the bargain

Damn you to hell!
Next to nothing to sell (leave out "next to")
Come the cold of this Autumn ("come Autumn cold" personally I'd drop the red letters.) I'm not really fond of this line either - I'll think on it - it's red because it was an edit after a few had commented.

Sorry, ol' Bess
It's not you I address
It won't be long now (drop "now") yes - could be dropped here and next line as I don't need the rhyme anymore
No, it won't be long now (drop "now")
We'll get us some rest
Yeah, we'll get us some rest

Most of these suggestion are to keep the cadence of the poem smooth, or because some words are simply redundant. Feel free to ignore all suggestion.

Dale