The Moon Eats Me in My Living Room

[makeshift]

A silver bell hovers
above the skylight—
louder in the earth
than my ears.

It sinks,
slowly through the ceiling
like a dime descending 
to the ocean floor

then engulfs the colour
off the off-white walls
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast

and piece by piece
pulls the whole house 
between it's lips.

Only me and it remain—
a sunless earth
stalked by the moon.

I feel it's concaves
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other,
a hole inside a hole.

[tectak]

A silver bell hovers
above the skylight—
louder in the earth
than my ears.Because of the undoubtably "poetic" language used in this stanza it is easy to put intent away and just skim over the meaning. That is  a pity. There IS meaning here but it seems to escape you, too. You would be the first to comment if anyone else wrote "...louder in the earth than (in?) my ears". Neither you nor I have any idea what this means. Loud ears? Is "sounding" good enough? Your call
It sinks,
slowly through the ceiling
like a dime descending 
to the ocean floor Quite beautiful. The grammar is suspect and this time it is the grammar that one tends to overlook. You should say, " It sinks slowly through the ceiling, like a dime descending to the ocean floor" Yes?
then engulfs the colour Avoid the "then" link between stanzas. You have made a singularly worthy simile in the previous stanza. By adding to it with the "then" word you take weight away and make the whole thing lighter and less convincing. The "it" word in the previous stanza is indefinite enough....to try to carry "it" in to this stanza confuses and obfuscates. We are begging a question by now. What is "it"? OK...are we are happy that "it" is a bell like a dime that engulfs. Is that clear? No. Leave S1 as a cameo simile and start anew in S2. So: The slipping shadow engulfs the colour of (not "off". You cannot engulf off) my off-white blah blah blah...
off the off-white walls
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast period. Same reason as before. See next line
and piece by piece Avoid the "and" link. As previous comment. Start the next moment as if it is new each day. Make the link by clarity and continuity of intent. That is always enough.
pulls the whole house 
between it's lips.
Only me and it remain— Double-schoolboy howler. Only me remain? Only it remain? Only I and it remain.....but even with this grammatical correction the structure leaves me cringing. Maybe " Only the bell (cloche, gleam, shadow) and I remain..." Your poem
a sunless earth Too late for cliches but not too late to mention
stalked by the moon.
I feel it's concaves concaves is not and never will be a noun. "I feel its (no apostrophe) concave curves"
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other, If you cannot find the the right word make one up? Uncompleting? Uncompleting? What on earth's surface do you mean? "Incomplete without each other...." Yes? If no, then I am lost and you are getting tired of the piece.
a hole inside a hole.

....but good. If I took too much time on this then it was not worth it. If I took the right amount if time, then it was worth it. Cut out the cutesy ommissions of capital letters after periods and go home happy.
Best,
tectak

[brandontoh]

A silver bell hovers
above the skylight— -- These 2 lines can be trimmed and streamlined a little more. Maybe 'Silver bell / above skylight' and some edit to the following lines?
louder in the earth
than my ears. -- These 2 lines don't do much for me. To be honest I'm confused. The first 2 lines suggest a lack of movement, but these 2 lines jump into an action right away. I believe this is a problem with wording, and a change in the word choice would make this stanza stronger.


It sinks, -- 'Sinking' gives the image a more dynamic feel to it rather than the static 'It sinks'.
slowly through the ceiling -- 'Slowly' is redundant here, since the image of a dime descending is already slow. The tone set in the first stanza also helps make the descend slow already.
like a dime descending 
to the ocean floor -- Beautiful image. 

then engulfs the colour -- Unfortunately, the grammar pretty much kills the poignant image. Run-on sentences can be used to great effect, especially when you want to evoke a sense of breathlessness or an endlessness of some sort. In this case, I think short sentences work better. This applies to the poem as a whole.
off the off-white walls
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast -- Once again, the image is beautiful, but I believe editing the grammar and cleaning up the sentence syntax will make it so much stronger.

and piece by piece -- 'and' is redundant.
pulls the whole house -- This may be just my interpretation, but I think the sense of time passing is extremely important to your poem. As such, attaching an -ing suffix to your verbs can help convey that. So instead of 'pulls', 'engulfs', and 'sinks', try 'pulling', 'engulfing', and 'sinking'. Just a thought.
between it's lips.

Only me and it remain—
a sunless earth
stalked by the moon. -- Cliche! Also, so far the whole poem has been zooming in. From the sky, into a small portion of the ocean, and into your house. There is no need to zoom out into space! There is still one more stanza to go! This breaks the consistency that you've built up so nicely.

I feel it's concaves -- its. Also, concaves is not a word. Using non-words is fine, but the usage has to make sense. In this case, I don't think it's justified. 'Rough curves' maybe? Or 'Round edges'?
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other, -- 'Uncompleting' is not a word. Once again, I don't think the usage of a non-word is justified.
a hole inside a hole. -- This last stanza is when you get to zoom out. Well, it's a good poem, and I do think editing it will make it way better. Of course, my interpretation may be all wrong, but I hope it helps either way!

[Eluoh]

A silver bell hovers
above the skylight—
louder in the earth
than my ears.  (The connection of these last two lines and the first two in this stanza is weak, but I somewhat grasp what you're trying to convey.  What is the overall main image you're trying to get us to see?  What emotion should we be feeling with this?)

It sinks, (Aside from removing the comma "it sinks" works fine.  I understand a certain emphasis that comes from the particular wording.  "Sinking" is too soft and would change the umph! you're trying to get across on saying that it sinks.)
slowly through the ceiling (I'm siding more with the general consesus that "slowly" could be omitted.  It's more of an extra word that doesn't provide much with being there, the imagery all around is providing enough of a motion of slowness.)
like a dime descending (I'm very fond of these last two lines.  I like the image it gives me.)
to the ocean floor

then engulfs the colour ("and" carries a better sound and easier transition between stanzas.)  
off the off-white walls (I like the repetitiveness of "off the off-white".)
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast

and piece by piece
pulls the whole house 
between it's lips.  (This stanza gave me chills.  I love the impacting imagery from the simple wording--that can be a hard thing to do at times.  Just remember that "it's" is ONLY a contraction of "it is" and NEVER used to show possession, that will just stay as "its".)

Only me and it remain—
a sunless earth
stalked by the moon.  ("Stalked" is a bit basic and wouldn't be my first word choice here.  I'd go for something with an intimate feel when talking about the earth and the moon as two beings and go as far as using "caressed" instead.  It has a darker, seductive feeling to it, and I'm assuming "dark" is one of the tones in this?)

I feel it's concaves  (its*.  Honestly, "concaves" works for me as a reader.  But if it really creates issues with other readers, then adjusting it to "I feel its concave surface", or something similar to that if you want to hold onto the word, would be best.  I stray from the correct usage of words a lot, and if it happens to work, then it shouldn't be a problem.  Poets do what they need to in order to get things across or convey better imagery.)
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other, ("uncompleting" is the only thing I have a problem with stomaching.  It just doesn't sit right, and it's an awkward word to use right here.  Might I suggest using "incomplete to each other", or "undoing each other"?  Trying to discover what word would fit better without changing the general meaning of this stanza.)
a hole inside a hole.  (It's a weak line.  I don't know how else to put it, and for it being the last line to end your great piece, it's leaving me blank and feeling a bit cheated.  I'm not expecting a BOOM for the end, but a better closing line that would beautifully release me from the intensity of the rest of the poem would definitely keep me re-reading this piece for days just to re-feel that power I was hit with by the end.  Your ending is where we're all going to wonder, inquire, and think about after reading an image packed poem, so try to keep it above basic!)

This poem reminds of another poem titled "Conversation" by American poet Ai (Florence Anthony).  I enjoyed reading what you wrote and developing my own ideas of what is going on in it.  It wasn't overbearing image-wise, vocab-wise, etc., but it still carried enough to "move" me.  It's hard when people want to rub you down to the basic, standard format of it all and keep it strict with grammar and structure rules.  They often abandon or disregard the writer's unique twist and style.  If you want to write with little to no punctuation and hundreds of run-on sentences, then so be it, it worked out quite well for Allen Ginsberg.  If you want to use words that wouldn't make sense in any other part of the literary world then do it, and if it works, it's a powerful skill to have.  This is a good piece, and I'm really interested in reading more of your stuff.  

[QDeathstar]

A silver bell hovers
above the skylight—
louder in the earth the title drew me in but the first stanza left me feeling empty.  I just feel turning the moon into a bell is a definite stretch, plus how can something hovering above a skylight be in the earth? The poem doesn't answer those questions.
than my ears.
It sinks,
slowly through the ceiling
like a dime descending 
to the ocean floor i love the sound of this stanza, but not the meaning. We moved on from bells to dimes without a thought, and why the ocean?
then engulfs the colour
off the off-white walls
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast im trying with much difficulty to imagine a bell or a dime engulf the colour of walls, I just can't see it. perhaps it's not a bell or a dime or the moon?
and piece by piece
pulls the whole house 
between it's lips.  again I like the sounds but find the content lacking. You started by making the moon a bell but now it has lips. The metaphor doesn't work because you get bored of it and move on to easier things for the sake of sound.
Only me and it remain—is it the sunless earth or the moon? The pronoun needs clarification
a sunless earth
stalked by the moon.
I feel it's concaves
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other,
a hole inside a hole.  the last stanza is meaningless I think, or, at least can't make any meaning of it.  At best this comes off as saying you are one with the moon????  also, I think the hole in a hole thing is overused and cliches are a terrible place to end a poem.

it was a good read acoustically but I think it was a bit too shifty.

[rayheinrich]

A silver bell hovers
above the skylight—
louder in the earth
than my ears.

It sinks,
slowly through the ceiling
like a dime descending 
to the ocean floor

then engulfs the colour
off the off-white walls
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast

and piece by piece
pulls the whole house 
between it's lips.

Only me and it remain—
a sunless earth
stalked by the moon.

I feel it's concaves
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other,
a hole inside a hole.

(Excuse me for not taking much time with this.)

I think it needs saying that many of these critiques are biased towards
linear narrative. The negative critiques of expressionists or Rilke or
Eliot or etc. seem similar.

For instance:

A silver bell hovers
above the skylight—
louder in the earth
than my ears.

Is subject to many wonderful interpretations.
I like it as is.
If a bell can't be louder in the earth, then fogs can't have cat feets and ghosts can't be places
your sight can knock on (approximately Eliot, Rilke [both revered cat poets and I revere cat poets ]).

[QDeathstar]

My critique of the abstractions isn't that they exist, it's that they aren't cohesive.

[Todd]

I quite like this piece and think it could be developed nicely. I haven't read any of the critiques so forgive me if any of this is repetitive.

The title is a winner. It makes me want to read the poem, which is the main purpose of titles.

A silver bell hovers
above the skylight--Evocative opening lines. I like the idea of the moon as a bell. I think you miss an opportunity with the next lines though. Louder in the earth is a vague way of addressing the chime of the bell (moon). I think this is a good opportunity to maybe use synesthesia. Give the light a quality of noise. In any event, engage the senses with something more concrete.
louder in the earth
than my ears.

It sinks,
slowly through the ceiling
like a dime descending 
to the ocean floor--Lovely imagery. The skylight above is a good setup to pull this off.

then engulfs the colour
off the off-white walls
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast--While I like the phrasing especially with the last line here, I'm not sure what this adds to the poem. Why would I simply skip this strophe?

and piece by piece--Something more visual than this shorthand
pulls the whole house 
between it's lips.--Great last two line though.

Only me and it remain-- --awkward sounding
a sunless earth
stalked by the moon.--Needs some reworking. More buildup to get to this point.

I feel it's concaves--Its. There needs to be something concave modifies. It can't just sit as concaves (and be effective).
colliding with mine.--Present tense might be better throughout. Take a cue from your title and carry it through.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other,--uncompleting is not a good choice.
a hole inside a hole.--I can live with the final line if the last strophe build up actually takes me there. Currently it isn't doing that.

I know it may not seem like it but I really think this is a couple of revisions away from being a very solid poem. I think there are some nice flourishes. I'd really like to see you take this one somewhere. I hope some of the comments help.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

the best poem of yours i've read so far.  weird title but it lets the reader know that it's a metaphorical poem (or at least gives the reader such hope) there's lots to like about the poem.

A silver bell hovers i'm presuming this is the moon, and if so it's a good image, maybe not the shape of it but the being of it.
above the skylight—
louder in the earth
than my ears.i think this 1st stanza rocks, it opens up the readers mind/imagination in so many ways. i like that it shows that sometimes we feel more than we hear. that the universal hum hum can also be felt

It sinks,
slowly through the ceiling
like a dime descending 
to the ocean floor another good stanza describing how the moon rises , and as such makes the light move downwards, good image that creates a soft/slow feel to the piece

then engulfs the colour is [then] needed?
off the off-white walls would [of] work better?
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast something is making me fumble for the correct way of reading this stanza. mainly due to the last line

and piece by piece
pulls the whole house 
between it's lips. for me this metaphor doesn't work so well as you're under a skylight and presumably can only see the room's interior

Only me and it remain—
a sunless earth
stalked by the moon. great as it is. there's a feel of fear, maybe loneliness in this stanza that help ground the poem

I feel it's concaves [its]
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates the metaphor doesn't visually work as one slides under the other, how would two concave objects do the same?
uncompleting each other,
a hole inside a hole. i think this stanza tries a little bit too hard. all the good work has been done, i like the idea of a hole inside a hole and think it's a good finishing line. (excuse the pun) it's like two holes don't make a right.

[rayheinrich]

My critique of the abstractions isn't that they exist, it's that they aren't cohesive.

Our definitions of suitable abstraction differ, which was the point of my post.
I think the degree of cohesiveness you require pushes the abstraction too far towards linearity
eliminating much of the poem's beautiful diversity of meanings.

We're probably just using different glues. Mine's cyanoacrylate based (specifically: 2-octyl ).

[milo]

A silver bell hovers
above the skylight—
louder in the earth
than my ears.

I think the ambiguity of "louder in the earth than my ears" is neither intentional nor good.  Of course I am certain you want to avoid repeating "in" - louder in the earth than in my ears" - but I can't really see an alternative here.

It sinks,
slowly through the ceiling
like a dime descending 
to the ocean floor

This image right here is just about perfect - inspired really, i wish I'd thought of it.

then engulfs the colour
off the off-white walls
washed in my lamp’s vanilla cast

minor typo - only 1 'f' in "of".
I think forcing a time sequence in a poem that mostly seems to defy them is a mistake so i would suggest replacing "then" with "and"

and piece by piece
pulls the whole house 
between it's lips.
Only me and it remain—
a sunless earth
stalked by the moon.

this is mostly fine.  There is something sonically ugly about "only me and it" so if it could be reworded all the better.

I feel it's concaves
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other,
a hole inside a hole.

"Its" possessive has no apostrophe.  I wonder if you need the possession at all.  This might be a place where some ambiguity could be intentional - "I feel the concaves colliding with mine"
Overall, I think it is fantastic.  The line breaks are surprisingly good in such short lines, the image is drawn perfectly, the sonics are pleasant.  i wouldn't mind more closure to the metaphor but it is also fine as it is - left dangling.
Thanks for posting, I enjoyed reading.

[makeshift]

Got a lot of feedback on this one very thankful ^^7 thnx thnx everyone. The first stanza was real clear to me but I could see now how it might not be to the reader. I imagine the moon bell having a ring that is so deep you can feel it vibrating/resonating with everything around you, but maybe too low to be heard. Is that sensation not being expressed or is it but it's just too abstract to make sense? Anyway I got a lot I can work on here. Working on an edit between exams >.<

[paulcanuck]

Hey - I've looked over your poetic license and I can see that it is in good standing. No grammar policing from me here because of its apparent validity.

This:

louder in the earth
than my ears.

appears to mean something, which to me, is more important than actually meaning something.
Also:

Only me and it remain

runs afoul of our English teacher's glare, but - just double-checking - yes your license is still valid so it works perfectly
and

uncompleting each other

para 3 section B.1 says it's OK to make up words as long as the meaning is conveyed.
Notwithstanding, the only nit I have here is the phrase

off the off

Nothing in your permit allows that. Oh wait, maybe the notwithstanding clause...
cheers
Paul

[rayheinrich]

Not entirely uncogent notes:


'Uncompleting' is a word listed in several English dictionaries
(though there's disagreement as it's not listed in several others).

I use 'incomplete' when referring to objects and
'uncompleted' when referring to actions, e.g. :

The car was left incomplete. -- some objects are not present
The car was left uncompleted. -- some actions have not been performed

Corresponding to these uses of 'complete':

The car is complete. -- all objects are present
The car has been completed. -- all actions have been performed

-----------------

In this stanza:

I feel it's concaves
colliding with mine.
like two tectonic plates
uncompleting each other,
a hole inside a hole.

I think 'crushing' would be preferable. 'Uncompleting' is distracting
because it's so seldomly* used.

BTW, I love: "it's concaves colliding with mine"



* 'Seldomly' may be archaic, but I much prefer it to 'seldom'.