Damn This Field

[paulcanuck]

Please forgive me for asking questions - I'm new to poetry forums and am usually writing song lyrics - so not being defensive - just want to understand! See comments below..

Hello Paul, I often do parodies of Cowboy poetry, but then I feel bad for being snobbish.

You read this as a cowboy poem parody? Interesting!

Damn This Field

Damn this field!
Plowing is rough
In this wind, in this dust -- I think the  is the lack of punctuation may create a problem
don't know what you mean here, there is a comma n'est pas?

Damn you, field!
Never offered a crop --There is a problem with cohesion. It reads sort of fragmented.
Worth this work and this fuss -- "this" is really not necessary unless your using it for a reason.
Just echoing the meter in the first stanza - plus I like the assonance this/fuss

Whoa there, Bess!
Don't hurt yourself!
Ten furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll unhook this plow

Curse this land!
For burning these hands, -- If you want iambic meter, this is off.same meter as previous stanzas - how is it off?
Sticking knives in my knees

Curse you, land!
All the pain you demand
You should be rightfully pleased

Hold on, Bess
My God you sweat!
Just eight rows left
Won't be long now
Then you can rest

Damn you, field
For taking Pa
Still see him slumped over

And for muffling the shout
Of his heart giving out
By your weeds in the corner

Hang on, Bess
Don't injure yourself
Six furrows left
Won't be long now
We'll get you some rest

Damn you, field!
You never upheld
Your end of the bargain -- I like this line.

Damn you to hell!
Next to nothing to sell
In the cold of October

Sorry, ol' Bess
It's not you I address -- Normally, I would say "you" is cumbersome. However, it may work if your trying to capture the sound of lighter cowboy poetry. If I take the word "you" out it makes no sense - what do you mean? BTW - you misspelled "you're"
It won't be long now
No, it won't be long now
We'll get us some rest
Yeah, we'll get us some rest

There's some cool stuff here. I like the idea of irate cowboy poetry and feel anapests would work well there.