10-01-2014, 04:39 PM
Leanne speaks truth 
I DO like this poem. Love's dichotomy accepted.
At high tide, the sea spews forth -- <-maybe 'reveals', 'displays' ...
'until I spot a small celadon orb' <- i think something simpler would do
'than a recycled old sake bottle' <- fishing floats and orbs are spheres, but now it's bottle-shaped
ok, i'm picky, but it is a bit distracting... also eyes are spheres not bottles...
"Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye." <- yes, beautiful!
maybe the title should reflect some event in the poem, something about the relationship,
or your view of her, her fancies and how you love them... not mushy, but intimate
I DO like this poem. Love's dichotomy accepted.
At high tide, the sea spews forth -- <-maybe 'reveals', 'displays' ...
'until I spot a small celadon orb' <- i think something simpler would do
'than a recycled old sake bottle' <- fishing floats and orbs are spheres, but now it's bottle-shaped
ok, i'm picky, but it is a bit distracting... also eyes are spheres not bottles...
"Tomorrow, I will look for agates
while she searches for the goddess’s other eye." <- yes, beautiful!
maybe the title should reflect some event in the poem, something about the relationship,
or your view of her, her fancies and how you love them... not mushy, but intimate
all this useless beauty... but what the hell, why not?