From the frying pan into the fatty.

[billy]

[quote='billy' pid='17173' dateline='1269957955']
good effort. though the last verse sounds a bit forced.

in the 1st verse, would swirl work better than shake?

not sure if the last line is needed in the 2nd stanza.

in the 3rd, would splash it in work better?



i'd try and make the last verse less catchy, less cheeky.

Swirl would be better thanks.

See, i tried to make them 4 lines per stanza. If it doesn't flow well maybe I should replace it with something else. What do you think?

And the last verse. Less cheeky o.O? How? And it's not meant to be a serious poem. I like poetry with a touch of humour .


in the main the poem feels like it works.
the last verse feels like an add on to end it.

it would be better if it was in the same easy feel as the rest of it.
it can be funny by all means dan.

nothing stops you changing the last line of the 2nd verse. for me it doesn't really work because of the bun. silly i know but i'm just being honest.

lets have a look at the last verse;

It's time to eat
And forget and be glad. two ands make it mmmm
For when you finish
The dishes await you, lad. if you say the last 4 lines out loud it doesn't sound right

how about;

it's time to eat
forget, be glad
then do the dishes
that's a good lad

that just one example.