Nature

[Loveblind]

powerful heat in
every direction
destroying the potential
of fresh air winning
leaves on the trees
dancing along with
the breeze that passes
them each moment
dying branches join
but slowly move
with grace
a few seem to be at
their final hour
before the dance is
finally over and they lay
with the others
eliminated on the ground


dead leaves lying
on green mixed with
brown grass
pieces by pieces
they fall
no longer able to dance

a few hang on for
a while
at least, those who
aren't live less


along the line over
to the right
some stand tall
fully green not effect
by the forces of the wind

[billy]

powerful heat in
every direction
destroying the potential
of fresh air winning
leaves on the trees
dancing along with
the breeze that passes
them each moment
dying branches join
but slowly move
with grace
a few seem to be at
their final hour
before the dance is
finally over and they lay
with the others
eliminated on the ground


dead leaves lying
on green mixed with
brown grass
pieces by pieces
they fall
no longer able to dance

a few hang on for
a while
at least, those who
aren't live less


along the line over
to the right
some stand tall
fully green not effect
by the forces of the wind

for me it needs more images and less telling Lb, it feels like it's using more words than it needs.;

powerful heat in
every direction.........could be written as oppressive heat or something else

destroying the potential
of fresh air winning...........could be squeezes labouring lungs or something else

both my examples are cliche but i just put them up to try and show that sometimes less can be better.

for me it also needs a bit more clarity. at present the images aren't enough to let it flow.

nice that you're expanding into other genre. nature i think is a great path to go down if you wish to learn how to use imagery. thanks for the read as usual LB, keep at it. and thanks for sticking with it. that's the most important thing.

[addy]

I do love nature poetry This just needs a bit of editing, I think. A few lines were a little confusing for me, and maybe it would help if you could use more descriptive imagery. In particular, the beginning of the last stanza, "along the line over to the right"... I don't know what 'line' you were referring to, or to the right of what. Try to be more specific about this scene, just imo.

Thanks for the read LB