06-20-2014, 04:22 AM
I like the images and emotion herein owl_eyes. Here are some of my observations:
First, you don’t need to cap the first word of each line. I would eliminate one of those ‘I am’s in your opening stanza. Perhaps: I am hollow, untouched… ‘dry of unholy water’ is somewhat odd in syntax. Could you say something like, ‘…comprised of unholy water’. I like the way you express frustration of being torn between optimism and pessimism. I don't think the half empty/half full cliche use is problematic because of your novel use of it.
In stanza 2, the references to ‘she’ would more appropriately follow ‘the girl in the mirror, maybe without the repetition, i.e., ‘She doesn't know if I’m here or gone…’ Accordingly, ‘Like a liar…’ would be more potent and poignant closing this particular stanza.
In stanza 3, ‘demented’ seems to be the wrong word, as it implies a frenzied/haphazard technique, something like ‘deviant’ may serve your better. Roman and Greek clash, but that may be on purpose to reflect uncertainty/ambivalence once again. Nonetheless, ‘Greek parchment’ doesn't mean a lot and ‘parchment skin’ would suffice or 'my velum' might be cool (a parchment made of skin). You don’t need that comma after ‘measurements’, in fact, you can delete ‘measurements’. ‘Segments’ don’t have a defined length. The carving/cutting similie/analogy is well done.
In stanza 4, who are ‘they’? Is something beautiful if it is flawed? Possibly, but you aren't painting a pretty portrait herein. Also, the use of beauty seems to be there primarily to set up the beholder cliché. Maybe simply: ‘I see broken bones, but I am going blind’ or something in that vein would serve your poem better.
I think your closing would be stronger by striking the line repeat and ending on ‘her bones’. It's more powerful and visual that way. See what you think. Welcome to the site and good luck with your next edit./Chris
First, you don’t need to cap the first word of each line. I would eliminate one of those ‘I am’s in your opening stanza. Perhaps: I am hollow, untouched… ‘dry of unholy water’ is somewhat odd in syntax. Could you say something like, ‘…comprised of unholy water’. I like the way you express frustration of being torn between optimism and pessimism. I don't think the half empty/half full cliche use is problematic because of your novel use of it.
In stanza 2, the references to ‘she’ would more appropriately follow ‘the girl in the mirror, maybe without the repetition, i.e., ‘She doesn't know if I’m here or gone…’ Accordingly, ‘Like a liar…’ would be more potent and poignant closing this particular stanza.
In stanza 3, ‘demented’ seems to be the wrong word, as it implies a frenzied/haphazard technique, something like ‘deviant’ may serve your better. Roman and Greek clash, but that may be on purpose to reflect uncertainty/ambivalence once again. Nonetheless, ‘Greek parchment’ doesn't mean a lot and ‘parchment skin’ would suffice or 'my velum' might be cool (a parchment made of skin). You don’t need that comma after ‘measurements’, in fact, you can delete ‘measurements’. ‘Segments’ don’t have a defined length. The carving/cutting similie/analogy is well done.
In stanza 4, who are ‘they’? Is something beautiful if it is flawed? Possibly, but you aren't painting a pretty portrait herein. Also, the use of beauty seems to be there primarily to set up the beholder cliché. Maybe simply: ‘I see broken bones, but I am going blind’ or something in that vein would serve your poem better.
I think your closing would be stronger by striking the line repeat and ending on ‘her bones’. It's more powerful and visual that way. See what you think. Welcome to the site and good luck with your next edit./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris