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I write most of these off the cuff, if I happen to feel something strongly. Working on trimming fat and avoiding needless flourishes
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At times I feel this world is bare
And float through life without a care
To do or not, the answer lies
To act an act for others' eyes
To move through life as one must do
Or be someone who's truly you
We dance this dance, an endless waltz
And love someone despite the faults
The truth is not a happy truth
Love's lost in time stolen in youth
As seasons pass in time you'll see
Solace is found in apathy
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Do you mean pass instead of past?
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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(06-14-2014, 03:48 AM)Todd Wrote: Do you mean pass instead of past?
fixed, thanks for the read
Posts: 2,401
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Hey missed this one Waltz.
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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This poem is in iambic tetrameter with rhyming couplets, which makes this a bit singsong.
"And love someone despite their faults"
Maybe "To play a role for others' eyes"
On "stolen" the stress is on the first syllable. Making S3 L2 3rd foot trochee, and not iamb.
"Love's lost in time stolen in youth"
Probably need to not cap every line, and find some punctuation.
Probably not the greatest form to choose for a serious poem. Just by dint of the form, it makes anything come off as slightly childish, regardless of the content. Even going to an abab rhyme scheme would help to ameliorate the effect to some degree.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 24
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Joined: Oct 2013
(06-14-2014, 06:11 AM)Erthona Wrote: This poem is in iambic tetrameter with rhyming couplets, which makes this a bit singsong.
"And love someone despite their faults"
Maybe "To play a role for others' eyes"
On "stolen" the stress is on the first syllable. Making S3 L2 3rd foot trochee, and not iamb.
"Love's lost in time stolen in youth"
Probably need to not cap every line, and find some punctuation.
Probably not the greatest form to choose for a serious poem. Just by dint of the form, it makes anything come off as slightly childish, regardless of the content. Even going to an abab rhyme scheme would help to ameliorate the effect to some degree.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
Thank you for the read, and the critique.
