04-13-2014, 05:26 PM
Dangers are ignored by the fools,
a little help for their weakness.(this doesn’t seem to go with the first line – maybe something like ‘so little wonder their weakness’)
never thinking about the risk,
guessing next time will be the last.
even after the second time,
reason has been left far behind.
Denial often hides the facts,
even the righteous turn their head.
no evil among us they cry,(missing quotation marks)
from their sanctimonious halls.( Only a person can be sanctimonious – not an inanimate object)
always the last to see the truth,
let the devil take all the blame.
Caught by the trap of self deceit,
as a moth in the flames of hell.
unable to escape this vise, (vice not vise)
gone is the desire to turn back.
hell collects an enormous price,
the cost of false vitality. (why false vitality – this doesn’t make much sense to me – does meth make you feel more energetic? If that’s the case it would make sense)
Addiction grasps with sharpened claws
designed to hold until the end.
death awaits meth's ample harvest.
it's time to seize those ravaged souls. (‘it’s time to’ doesn’t seem to go here- sounds like the author is going to seize the souls – what about capitalizing Death in the previous line , and making this line ‘in time he’ll seize...’)
complete the cycle of despair,
the lost hope of the living dead.
Not so much of an edit but a new poem on its own – can’t comment on the meter for I’m clueless but overall I liked it. Hope my notes help.
Marianne
a little help for their weakness.(this doesn’t seem to go with the first line – maybe something like ‘so little wonder their weakness’)
never thinking about the risk,
guessing next time will be the last.
even after the second time,
reason has been left far behind.
Denial often hides the facts,
even the righteous turn their head.
no evil among us they cry,(missing quotation marks)
from their sanctimonious halls.( Only a person can be sanctimonious – not an inanimate object)
always the last to see the truth,
let the devil take all the blame.
Caught by the trap of self deceit,
as a moth in the flames of hell.
unable to escape this vise, (vice not vise)
gone is the desire to turn back.
hell collects an enormous price,
the cost of false vitality. (why false vitality – this doesn’t make much sense to me – does meth make you feel more energetic? If that’s the case it would make sense)
Addiction grasps with sharpened claws
designed to hold until the end.
death awaits meth's ample harvest.
it's time to seize those ravaged souls. (‘it’s time to’ doesn’t seem to go here- sounds like the author is going to seize the souls – what about capitalizing Death in the previous line , and making this line ‘in time he’ll seize...’)
complete the cycle of despair,
the lost hope of the living dead.
Not so much of an edit but a new poem on its own – can’t comment on the meter for I’m clueless but overall I liked it. Hope my notes help.
Marianne