01-17-2014, 10:48 AM
Many thanks to all of you who have helped this along
Fortune - First Edit
Impartial winds prop up the old and leaning
then turn their backs and blow them to the ground.
Ironic or sincere? Blind to meaning,
nature neither fickle nor profound.
Torrential flood submits to desert drought,
warm island disappears in shifting sea,
the innocent will suffer, die for naught;
fate does not remember or foresee.
Oblivious, we walk in smug conceit,
though nature does not promise any day;
surprised when troubles force us to retreat,
when what was solid suddenly gives way.
We travel here on steeply inclined planes,
struggling with imaginary reins.
Thank you Heslopian, I appreciate your comments and have incorporated some of your suggestions into the first edit. I left in "suddenly" because I am trying to stick with pentameter. I agree that is is more vaguely philosophical than anything else - am not particularly proud of that, but am trying to move towards more. Many thanks for the read and suggestions.
BedsideFungus, I am never alarmed by hash and slash! The more the merrier. I appreciate your reading this and thought your comments were succinct and helpful.
Fortune - First Edit
Impartial winds prop up the old and leaning
then turn their backs and blow them to the ground.
Ironic or sincere? Blind to meaning,
nature neither fickle nor profound.
Torrential flood submits to desert drought,
warm island disappears in shifting sea,
the innocent will suffer, die for naught;
fate does not remember or foresee.
Oblivious, we walk in smug conceit,
though nature does not promise any day;
surprised when troubles force us to retreat,
when what was solid suddenly gives way.
We travel here on steeply inclined planes,
struggling with imaginary reins.
Thank you Heslopian, I appreciate your comments and have incorporated some of your suggestions into the first edit. I left in "suddenly" because I am trying to stick with pentameter. I agree that is is more vaguely philosophical than anything else - am not particularly proud of that, but am trying to move towards more. Many thanks for the read and suggestions.
BedsideFungus, I am never alarmed by hash and slash! The more the merrier. I appreciate your reading this and thought your comments were succinct and helpful.