Open House /edit#1

[ellajam]

edit #1 (clemonz)


Oranges are piled up, left
in a purple bowl.
A small clay bird holds
early crocuses.
Honey and tea leaves
have left their shelves.

The fruit are still firm,
petals smooth and upright,
teapot overturned.


Original

Who brought oranges, piled
them into a purple bowl and left
on silent feet?
Who ran the faucet, filling
the small clay bird to hold
the first crocuses?
Who stayed long
enough to rinse the teapot, leaving
honey on the table?
The fruit are still firm,
petals smooth and upright,
the pot overturned.

---

First smartass critique:

Who cares?

[clemonz]

seems overly rhetorical - lots of questions that don't get answered anyway - as well as the summation in three lines.
which seems odd coupled with the immediacy of the part rhyme of firm with overturned (a nice rhyme actually).
not necessarily a bad thing though.

"left / on silent feet" sounds ok, but i can't see what force you add by saying that whoever brought the oranges had feet?

quietly impressed !

[ellajam]

Thanks, clemonz, I'm not a fan of poems asking me questions either, but I wrote it anyway.

I like to put the past and present in because for me that is life, but it often doesn't work well.

Silent feet is bad, if I wasn't there how do I know they were silent? Leaving no footprints? Nah, I'll change it.

Thanks for reading and for your helpful comment.

[justcloudy]

Hi ella,

I like the feel of this one. It's reads to me like a photo, which I think is what you wanted. A small moment caught in time, a still-life of the modern world. The teapot overturned suggest something urgent or calamitous has just happened, hence the unlocked house / open door. I do take issue with the title though. I only realized that's the kind of "open" you mean as I wrote that. Up to now I thought it was open house as in when people are trying to sell their home and have 3 hours on Sunday when it's open to viewers. The double meaning could work I guess, but it's mostly just confusing. Your call.

Thanks for sharing.

-justcloudy

[ellajam]

Thanks for reading, cloudy.

I was thinking of a house that remains unlocked. I'll rethink the title, and the overturned, I was aiming at an unknown but friendly visitor. I really appreciate the input.

[justcloudy]

Ah you mean overturned as in drying next to the sink? Yea that's really not clear. But then again, if you and I see different things as we read it, is that really such a problem? Dunno.
From your explanation the original tells the story much better, and the questions are real one coming from the speaker, not hypothetical. I think you could make them work, you might just have to expand slightly to set the scene better.
Just thoughts.

---

Maybe make the title do more work for you? Something to the effect of "friendly neighborhood"? (That is not a legitimate suggestion.)

[ellajam]

Ah you mean overturned as in drying next to the sink? Yea that's really not clear. But then again, if you and I see different things as we read it, is that really such a problem? Dunno.
From your explanation the original tells the story much better, and the questions are real one coming from the speaker, not hypothetical. I think you could make them work, you might just have to expand slightly to set the scene better.
Just thoughts.

---

Maybe make the title do more work for you? Something to the effect of "friendly neighborhood"? (That is not a legitimate suggestion.)

Thanks so much for your response. No, it's no problem at all if we see different things. That's art (even kindergarten art ). I just want to make the best little word picture I can. I'm having fun playing with this one, your view really helps me.

[billy]

the last creates the mystery but over all i get a feeling the poem is about a still life painting. i like the run on in the 1st line but would like to see a couple more poetic devices even though it's a brief poem. an example would be; blue bowl or early cut crocuses...
i do like the over all image

edit #1 (clemonz)


Oranges are piled up, left is [are] needed?
in a purple bowl.
A small clay bird holds
early crocuses. crocuses feels a bit mmm would crocus work better?
Honey and tea leaves
have left their shelves.

The fruit are still firm, again, is [are] needed?
petals smooth and upright,
teapot overturned.


Original

Who brought oranges, piled
them into a purple bowl and left
on silent feet?
Who ran the faucet, filling
the small clay bird to hold
the first crocuses?
Who stayed long
enough to rinse the teapot, leaving
honey on the table?
The fruit are still firm,
petals smooth and upright,
the pot overturned.

---

First smartass critique:

Who cares?

[ellajam]

Thanks, billy, at first they were piled on a purple plate, but I thought it might be too much. I think you're right on crocus, and maybe on that "are", too.
Thanks for reading and commenting, much appreciated.