01-17-2014, 06:28 AM
(01-16-2014, 01:24 AM)beaufort Wrote: Impartial winds prop up the old and leaningI really enjoyed this poem. It's not rich in narrative, being more just a vague philosophical muse, but it's very well-constructed, concise and smart. Critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read
then turn their backs and blow them to the ground.
Sincerity or irony? Blind to meaning,
nature neither fickle nor profound. Good rhyme of "ground" and "profound", and I like your conveyance of Nature's indifference thus far.
Torrential flood submits to desert drought,
warm island disappears in shifting sea,
some will suffer, others die for naught; Whereas opposites (e.g. "flood" and "drought") have been previously deployed, this line seems to stay on a similar tack in both clauses. Just an observation.
yet fate does not remember or foresee. Another good rhyme.
We walk oblivious in smug conceit,
though nature does not promise any day; I really like "promise any day"; it's a very subtle phrase. Should "nature", as you're personifying it, be capitalised?
surprised when troubles force us to retreat,
when what was solid suddenly gives way. Is "suddenly" needed? I feel like the rhythm, and thus the rhyme, would be stronger without it.
We travel here on steeply inclined planes,
still struggling with imaginary reins.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe