01-11-2014, 05:56 AM
(01-11-2014, 05:35 AM)justcloudy Wrote: Hi alatos.
I know next to nothing about sonnets, find them often kind of... stuffy. This one isn't. For the most part it's clear and precise, and you have some really nice enjambments there. Normally something like "But oh..." seems like a filler but in this context it works for me, because it's from the point of view of someone who is older, forgetful, resigned. I read it as a sigh. Nicely done.
Some questions: Is she looking out the window and observing the grey skies? If so, say so, because as it stands that seems a little out of place. Also, do you really need the word "bastard"? It really threw me off. The rest of the poem has a feeling of sadness and resignation, so the anger seems to come out of nowhere and then dissipate immediately. Finally aren't sonnets supposed to end in a couplet? Like I said I'm no expert but I thought that was the case.
Anyway thanks for sharing, I enjoyed the read.
-justcloudy
I'll rethink the usage of that word. I was trying to convey utter frustration, but I think you are right. And yes a sonnet should end in a couplet traditionally, but I actually did this more as an exercise in the beginning. I wrote down a strange rhyme scheme and tried to follow it is what it boils down to haha