really plased with this short poem

[clemonz]

All I have to my days
is a collection of wishes and cigarettes.

Gum sits stuck by the keyboard,

what noise.

[clemonz]

hmm, those nouns are too noun like for me.

thanks for the reply though... they are more interesting words, i guess.

[Blake]

Or you could drop collection altogether and go with:

"Are wishes and cigarettes"

[clemonz]

i dunno, i like the connotations, of movement etc.

[Veil of Trash]

Like everything else important in life... I don't get it. D:

Best wishes. VOT scrub no one. xx

[billy]

i was thinking it could have been a bit shorter

on a serious note. i thought of white noise as the last line and it sort of worked.

[Erthona]

I think I would go with the definite article "this" instead of the indefinite article "a", as it makes it more personal, e.g.,

"is this collection of wishes and cigarettes."

I also liked Billy's suggestion of "white" noise" as it carries the connotation of meaninglessness, or trash with it, but I would also keep what, so... "What white noise".

I was also wondering if you really mean "gum stuck next to the keyboard."? or "gum sits next to the keyboard."?
Using both seems redundant. Continuing the personification I think I would like, "While my gum sits waiting by the keyboard." It gives the implication you are playing and singing a song and that you put it there until you're done, not unlike when a guitar player sticks this cigarettes up in the keys/tuners of his guitar until he is finished playing.

That's all.

Dale

[clemonz]

i thought of white noise as the last line and it sort of worked.

cool, i listen to lots of static noise.

thanks for the suggestions above, the noise was also meant as an allusion to a poem i read by o'hara when he says that the poet must "must save me from the world's external noise" - which seems to be a complaint about talking about the scenery.

i didn't really think out the poem TBH, just liked how it sounded and the last clause in that context

---

I was also wondering if you really mean "gum stuck next to the keyboard."? or "gum sits next to the keyboard."?
Using both seems redundant.

well i don't think it is redundant, no.

gum can sit somewhere without being unwrapped.
and "gum stuck by the keyboard" is a completely different sentence to "gum is stuck by the keyboard", and in this context it would make the last line more flat.

[LickinLyrics]

Hah. Interesting. Sounds like you are super bored with life at the moment. Diggin' it! Line 3 and 4 are just strange though the way you spaced it. But hey, your work.

[gslegrá]

Many times the shortest poems have the most powerful messages. Leave it.