Mentor: Pomology

[Todd]

I love the first effort. I'm going to do something I wouldn't do in a critique much. I'm mostly going to ask you to consider why certain things HAVE to be in the poem. I'm not asking you to agree, conform, or adopt any change that I suggest. I'm just asking you to consider them. My comments below (the poem is developing nicely. More importantly, i hope the process of going through this is helping your approach. Here goes:

Right this is where my 1st shuffle of the pack has taken me. Often the shuffling process takes several turns before i am even vuagly satisfied. (Think I am still fiddling and trying to over adjust - just the same as in the car, any fiddling always results in it going horribly wrong...and there is always a temptation to take your foot off the power pedal...but thought i would post the first effort for your consideration). There is always a certain amount of editing to make the lines read and make sense, but I have tried to limit it at this stage.

1st shuffle.
Outstanding in the forest
the mother tree lives in the wild woods,--why not start here?
on the ridges of the Tian Shan mountains,
where Eternity is firmly planted--Nice way to ground a concept like eternity
in each and every apple seed.--I always wonder about this each and every construction I can live with it but what does it give you that every doesn't supply?
In the beginning
the sound of falling apples
was echoed in the thunder clouds
that gathered over the pommice pits.--I very much like this progression. I don't think you need "that" but THAT is my only real nit. This is a much stronger opening than your original. It's got a smooth flow to it. I like your shifting in verb tense throughout, and I'm fine with moving in the beginning down a few lines.

De-fleshed a core of new growth
is casually cast aside, to lie--casually avoid the adverb if you can and find a way to convey it in the verb directly. If you can't you can't but try. Cast aside by whom?
rough strewn between the rocks and roots,--like the alliteration and assonance
amongst the leafy shadows that rustle underfoot.--This just sounds primordial. Lovely line really
Others lie where they have fallen,
on foreign shores, rejected and forgotten--Ask yourself if you need both of these words? Challenge yourself to cut one or replace both?
in worm infested papaya sheets.--Nice image

Streams of liquid hope flow--liquid hope isn't enough. I need something more concrete to ground it
from here to eternity across the forest floor.--The movie title would have me cut that phrase. The repetition of eternity so soon doesn't work for me either
Once firm flesh is pierced and peeled.--If you leave off peeled you could give a crucifixion image (not sure you want that just bringing it up.
Crushed, the goodness oozes out;
piquant it drips from parted lips,
concentrated drops of guilt.
A wooden migration that illuminates
the trail from here to there.--No issues with the rest of this on a first read through

“Here” is Alma-Atta.
where the mountains in my mind--Pulls me out of the scene. Limits your authority. Make us believe
are snow covered and the final event
is an eternal loop of pale blushing blooms--instead of eternal again maybe replace eternal loop with "a mobius strip" Just looking for a substitute. Here's the thing Alison, and pick up on this: You've mentioned eternity three times so far. This is part of what is important to you that you're trying to convey. This ties into your motivation for writing. You can still cut the word but pay attention to the why behind it, if that makes sense
mingled with the scented ferment of declining wealth.
The air is crisp and clear, yet warm;--You could tie the air into the crisp bite of an apple somehow. Clear yet warm just a lot of modifiers--cut where you can
alive with surround sound, as the harvest--surround sound to me feels too electronic
beds itself in with frog popping fruit drops.--Love this phrasing

From the fecund heart,
thickets of out stretched limbs
radiated out in all directions.--I feel like you can go with "radiate"
Soon the mountains of Tian-Shan will shake
to the sound of green shoots
bursting though Eden’s gates.--Like the ending

This is a really strong "first" draft with a lot of work behind it. Look over what I've mentioned, and see what you think. Reactions?

Thanks,

Todd