10-19-2013, 01:12 AM
Damn, well a lack of feeling was certainly not what I was goin' for. Actually the poem was written from a very personal and painful part, as it's about my wheelchair.
Ha, I was trying for the comparison to a bit more than just that they're both circular.
I wanted it to be seen that they're both tools with clear-cut functions that have all of this subtext we put on them
The impression I was trying to give was that they're callous and grey and I wanted the words to match.
Only problem I'm now realising is that if you deliberately use cold and neutral language, the poem comes off as cold and neutral
So maybe if I personalise it a bit more and bring the phrasing down
"Silver frying pan
Functional and portable to purpose
Purified and bleached
sacred and adept to the rite
Electric melting pain
Elated, the nerves boil
Sustenance comfortably blanched
and cooked, the food is ate
Just please don't burn
And you, dearest wheel
another contraption, portable to purpose
Spinning along its rims
Bound, hog-tied and spoked
An Immaculate mechanised steel
Ingenious, the way the turnstyle toils
Motion comfortably prism'd
and directed-- the point is choked
Please just turn"
I think the line structure suffers but hopefully the poem is better for the tweaks. Let me know what you think of the revision and if it brought any heart to the poem. Thanks by the way for review
Ha, I was trying for the comparison to a bit more than just that they're both circular.
I wanted it to be seen that they're both tools with clear-cut functions that have all of this subtext we put on them
The impression I was trying to give was that they're callous and grey and I wanted the words to match.
Only problem I'm now realising is that if you deliberately use cold and neutral language, the poem comes off as cold and neutral
So maybe if I personalise it a bit more and bring the phrasing down
"Silver frying pan
Functional and portable to purpose
Purified and bleached
sacred and adept to the rite
Electric melting pain
Elated, the nerves boil
Sustenance comfortably blanched
and cooked, the food is ate
Just please don't burn
And you, dearest wheel
another contraption, portable to purpose
Spinning along its rims
Bound, hog-tied and spoked
An Immaculate mechanised steel
Ingenious, the way the turnstyle toils
Motion comfortably prism'd
and directed-- the point is choked
Please just turn"
I think the line structure suffers but hopefully the poem is better for the tweaks. Let me know what you think of the revision and if it brought any heart to the poem. Thanks by the way for review