10-22-2013, 07:59 AM
I like to imagine versions of me within a world that couldn't possibly exist.
Folding books into skulls
leaving eyeprints on ceilings
injecting trees into bloodstreams
carving pennies out of scotch
jumping into pockets of neon light
feeding orphans white glue
watching stones decay
holding street lights with broken finger nails
watering Gods video games.
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(10-22-2013, 07:59 AM)Legoloofa Wrote: I like to imagine versions of me within a world that couldn't possibly exist.
Folding books into skulls
leaving eyeprints on ceilings
injecting trees into bloodstreams
carving pennies out of scotch
jumping into pockets of neon light
feeding orphans white glue
watching stones decay
holding street lights with broken finger nails
watering Gods video games.
Hi, Lego, I'm sorry, but I just couldn't make any sense of this. The first 5 lines read like nonsense, which can be fun, but the switch to
"feeding orphans white glue
watching stones decay"
gave it a solidity I didn't understand at all.
Might just be me.
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It sounded to me like some kind of messed up dream(s). Maybe it has some personal meaning, but I couldn't deduct a thing from it, except maybe the last line.
Simply put: I don't get it lol
Hmm. While I appreciate the creative thought, it is my opinion that poetry should tell some kind of story - even just loosely have some kind of point. Simply stating something strange like ... I birth zebra-print butterflies from my belly button.. doesn't do anything or have any sort of impact if it isn't relating to anything. - this is just my opinion, maybe it spoke to some one else.
Why could these worlds you talk about not possibly exist? You could write about them until they exist. Take them and make them.
You have a list of actions that have nothing to do with anything.
Earlier I made a few poems in my head out of a few of these lines. But I forgot them.
"What are you going to do today?"
"Oh, I was thinking about holding street lights with broken fingernails. But if it rains, I might swing by the orphanage and feed them some--curiously white--glue. I've been meaning to do that."
It's as easy as that. Imagine you doing things, like you say, and write about them, if that's what you like to do.
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i like what you have so far but it needs more. at present it reads like a list
use some connectors or juxtapose some of the ideas with others.
(10-22-2013, 07:59 AM)Legoloofa Wrote: I like to imagine versions of me within a world that couldn't possibly exist.
Folding books into skulls
leaving eyeprints on ceilings
injecting trees into bloodstreams
carving pennies out of scotch
jumping into pockets of neon light
feeding orphans white glue
watching stones decay
holding street lights with broken finger nails
watering Gods video games.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(10-22-2013, 07:59 AM)Legoloofa Wrote: I like to imagine versions of me within a world that couldn't possibly exist.
Folding books into skulls
leaving eyeprints on ceilings
injecting trees into bloodstreams
carving pennies out of scotch
jumping into pockets of neon light
feeding orphans white glue
watching stones decay
holding street lights with broken finger nails
watering Gods video games.
I had several good friends that were surrealists. One of them was a damn good poet. There is a lot that goes into it and this here reads more like someone dipping their first toe into surrealism. Out of all of it, i found 2 images that were passable (one that was quite good) but little cohesion. If you have never read the surrealist manifesto or studied surrealism one of the fascinating points that you do seem to grasp here is that art is not constrained by the laws of logic or physics so there is no point in handcuffing ourselves to those laws in art.
As to the two images that were pretty good:
carving pennies out of scotch - this works on several different levels though "carve" is probably not the best verb. It works visually because of the color and it works metaphorically because of the gulf in monetary perception of the two.
watching stones decay - this is definitely the best line in the poem. i would suggest you actually take it as a foundation for a new poem. once again, it works on several different levels. It suggests the long passage of time but it also has a dystopian sense to it.
Anyway, i hope some of that was useful, good luck with the poetry.
(10-23-2013, 08:28 AM)rowens Wrote: Why could these worlds you talk about not possibly exist? You could write about them until they exist. Take them and make them.
You have a list of actions that have nothing to do with anything.
Earlier I made a few poems in my head out of a few of these lines. But I forgot them.
"What are you going to do today?"
"Oh, I was thinking about holding street lights with broken fingernails. But if it rains, I might swing by the orphanage and feed them some--curiously white--glue. I've been meaning to do that."
It's as easy as that. Imagine you doing things, like you say, and write about them, if that's what you like to do.
Thanks for the advice! I'm an austere visual person and usually stick to painting or drawing; it's hard for me to translate into words. In this poem each line came from images of a story I fabricated, but I guess it only makes sense in pictures of my mind hah. Trying to write it out as a story is a great idea I'll definitely try it out!
(10-22-2013, 07:59 AM)Legoloofa Wrote: I like to imagine versions of me within a world that couldn't possibly exist.
Folding books into skulls
leaving eyeprints on ceilings
injecting trees into bloodstreams
carving pennies out of scotch
jumping into pockets of neon light
feeding orphans white glue
watching stones decay
holding street lights with broken finger nails
watering Gods video games.
I like the idea of turning it into a story a lot. This could be done with some commonplace: she, they, can you, etc. Add some things that make sense to blend it with reality maybe. The ideas are very fun, give them life. Give them rhythm.
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I like it and I think I got some of the lines. Like others though, i sometimes got lost and didn't know what a passage was, which as a reader makes me almost defensive. This is just an idea, but maybe you could add a simple structure change by outright stating what the action is. What I mean is, for example
"Folding books into skulls-- I read
leaving eyeprints on ceilings-- I think
...
carving pennies out of scotch-- I lose
jumping into pockets of neon light-- myself
....
watering Gods video games-- I live."
I think that could make your words more accessible. It could be a terrible idea, but I hope if it doesn't work, it at least helps. Either way, I appreciate the weirdness and boldness of what you put out here
If I could say only one thing before I die, it'd probably be,
"Please don't kill me"
(10-28-2013, 08:18 PM)SirBrendan Wrote: I like it and I think I got some of the lines. Like others though, i sometimes got lost and didn't know what a passage was, which as a reader makes me almost defensive. This is just an idea, but maybe you could add a simple structure change by outright stating what the action is. What I mean is, for example
"Folding books into skulls-- I read
leaving eyeprints on ceilings-- I think
...
carving pennies out of scotch-- I lose
jumping into pockets of neon light-- myself
....
watering Gods video games-- I live."
I think that could make your words more accessible. It could be a terrible idea, but I hope if it doesn't work, it at least helps. Either way, I appreciate the weirdness and boldness of what you put out here
I'm really enchanted with the way you have dissected my poem. It's a sort of dual perspective on performing an action. Alice in wonderland style. Fantasy vs. reality. At least that's how I see it. Thank you!
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