My Wheelchair

[Todd]

Hi, welcome to the site! I've read this a few times, and this is one of the tougher kind to critique. Not meaning to sound negative, but here's my issue with the poem: It doesn't move me in any way. I see that you're comparing a circular surface to another circular surface (pan to wheel). I also see that there are a lot of adjectives and other modifiers scattered throughout that tell me something about these items. Let's take just one, sacred. If you've ever read the opening of Babbitt by Sinclair Lewis there's an introductory scene where you see the title character putting on his clothes down to a pin for his lapel like he's a priest donning vestments. I think there needs to be less modifier more demonstration through action in this poem. I also would like you to ask yourself, what do you want the reader know, feel, or come away with as a result of reading? Ask yourself if your poem does that. For me, it didn't do anything. That said, there's nothing to say it wouldn't move me after an edit.

Best,

Todd

My Wheelchair

Silver frying pan
Shivering, portable to purpose
Purified and bleached
sacred, adept to the rite

Electric melting pain
Elated, the water boils
Sustenance comfortably blanched
Cooked, the food is ate

Please don't burn

Circular dearest wheel
Contraption, portable to purpose
Spinning along its rims
Bound, hog-tied and spoked

Immaculate mechanised steel
Ingenious, the turnstyle toils
Motion comfortably prism'd
directed, the point awoke

Please just turn

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This is my first post. I'm not classically educated in poetry whatsoever as I dropped out of highschool and only have a couple years of university under my belt. Point is, I know my understanding of metre and such isn't up to far with some of the writers here, so be as constructive as possible please. Thank you very much to anyone who takes the time to read this and I hope you enjoy