Alison, Thanks for all that. Give a glance to what you wrote like they might be cliff notes I see Alma Ata, I get the apple, a sense of journey, and your life metaphors. Now I'm going to go to each poem and highlight purely subjectively what I felt were the strongest sections of each poem.
Not so that you can put them together, but just so you can reflect on theme and execution.
~~~
Others lie where they have fallen,
rejected and forgotten
in worm infested papaya sheets.
Bedded down in a premature
state of declining wealth.
The sound of falling apples
is echoed in the thunder clouds
that gather over the pommice pits.
~~~
Eternity is firmly planted
in each and every apple seed--
once the flesh has been pierced,
peeled, sliced and cored.
Soon the mountains of Tian-Shan will shake
to the sound of green shoots
bursting though Eden’s gates.
~~~
Each step away from Alma-Ata
takes me deeper into the wild woods.
The mountains in my mind are snow covered,
crisp and clear and yet the air upon my skin
is warm; alive with sound. Twigs with birds
tapping and frog popping fruit drops.
Outstretched limbs
the father’s arms--
Surround sound.
~~~
While I chose a larger section of the final poem, it seems that your endings keyed the most strongly with me. I think it's because when we write like this we are often trying to get to the poem.
I've started many poems where I've thought, "I'm going to write about THIS." This became more mechanical, and as I searched through the lines I found that I actually wanted to write about something similar but not quite what I thought. I reserve the right to revisit the idea or nuance to explore, but I end up writing the poem I'm actually writing. If that makes any sense at all.
When I reread your perfectly good first effort now. I think man there's a lot more life in some of these other drafts. We either need to figure out how to inject it back, or develop some of these other strains.
I could be off though, it not a mechanical process.
What are your thoughts at this point?
Not so that you can put them together, but just so you can reflect on theme and execution.
~~~
Others lie where they have fallen,
rejected and forgotten
in worm infested papaya sheets.
Bedded down in a premature
state of declining wealth.
The sound of falling apples
is echoed in the thunder clouds
that gather over the pommice pits.
~~~
Eternity is firmly planted
in each and every apple seed--
once the flesh has been pierced,
peeled, sliced and cored.
Soon the mountains of Tian-Shan will shake
to the sound of green shoots
bursting though Eden’s gates.
~~~
Each step away from Alma-Ata
takes me deeper into the wild woods.
The mountains in my mind are snow covered,
crisp and clear and yet the air upon my skin
is warm; alive with sound. Twigs with birds
tapping and frog popping fruit drops.
Outstretched limbs
the father’s arms--
Surround sound.
~~~
While I chose a larger section of the final poem, it seems that your endings keyed the most strongly with me. I think it's because when we write like this we are often trying to get to the poem.
I've started many poems where I've thought, "I'm going to write about THIS." This became more mechanical, and as I searched through the lines I found that I actually wanted to write about something similar but not quite what I thought. I reserve the right to revisit the idea or nuance to explore, but I end up writing the poem I'm actually writing. If that makes any sense at all.
When I reread your perfectly good first effort now. I think man there's a lot more life in some of these other drafts. We either need to figure out how to inject it back, or develop some of these other strains.
I could be off though, it not a mechanical process.
What are your thoughts at this point?
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson