10-04-2013, 08:52 AM
I think this is wonderful (I truly love the dark stuff.) You've got some great advice already ( I would change it to who cares)
I just adoring a shushing window, and I love the sound of a litany of hairs, although, honestly, it doesn't and will never make sense. Perhaps " a litany of half-spoken prayers while she fondles her hair" or something like...would be a nice use of internal rhyme. Fondles may seem like an odd choice, but I'd like to think of it as a foreshadowing to the end. I might go with eyes looking chilling too, but it would have to be chillingly. Um, one phrase I didn't get at all was the "from left to right, a door open behind"--does from left to right refer back to the litany of hairs? Should it be a door OPENS behind, or is it an opened door behind?
At any rate, truly enjoyed this.
bena/mel
I just adoring a shushing window, and I love the sound of a litany of hairs, although, honestly, it doesn't and will never make sense. Perhaps " a litany of half-spoken prayers while she fondles her hair" or something like...would be a nice use of internal rhyme. Fondles may seem like an odd choice, but I'd like to think of it as a foreshadowing to the end. I might go with eyes looking chilling too, but it would have to be chillingly. Um, one phrase I didn't get at all was the "from left to right, a door open behind"--does from left to right refer back to the litany of hairs? Should it be a door OPENS behind, or is it an opened door behind?
At any rate, truly enjoyed this.
bena/mel