First

[FractalPacifist]

Is a content warning necessary in this one? I put it up anyway just in case.

First

Hold the sphere in your hand, lips parted,
and sink into the untarnished shine
a verdant surface bursting with sour juices
before turning to pasty mulch between your teeth.

After that, the fruit is left for mangling
slice it up, dip it in peanut butter
to disguise the fact that you don't like the taste.
Strip it to the core, toss it in the compost bin
leave it to molder into next year's crops.

The seeds lose their star-shaped pattern
collapse into a heap in the back of your mind
lingering like the bits of skin between your teeth and the juices
that dried onto your cracked lips long
after the last kiss came to moisten them.

You'll try a different kind of apple - Braeburn, perhaps
a mottled surface more suited to your senses.
Meander through the produce section before settling
on something that fills the void at the back of your tongue

Throwing the new apple into a batch of turnovers
you open the oven and release the smells
of cinnamon and sugar, warmth creeping to the couch
where your dog plays and you curl up
after pouring a glass of hard cider and switching
into something a little more comfortable.

[Todd]

Hi Lexi,

I don't think the content warning is necessary. It also may be too telling about the poem in a way that may lead the reader to places that the poem itself doesn't.

I think your title does of a lot of that work already. This is subtle so I may be off on my interpretation but good writing is about one thing and something else. Well all critique is risk so here goes:

Is a content warning necessary in this one? I put it up anyway just in case.

First

The title is the key to this. Without it we're looking at someone eating and preparing apples. First leads me to first time.

Hold the sphere in your hand, lips parted,
and sink into the untarnished shine
a verdant surface bursting with sour juices
before turning to pasty mulch between your teeth.

What works for me in the opening is the sensual images (also a clue to tie back to the title). The lips parted give a sense of arousal. There are many colors of apples that could have been chosen since verdant (green) is not the most obvious it makes me think of life (sex). Sour juices is interesting in that it implies that the experience was not all sweet, and then we move to the physical mechanics of "chewing" that seem far from that ideal first bite. The thought of having the "untarnished shine" is often more intense than actually eating the apple, after the first bite at least. Desire trumps fulfilling desire. You had a lot packed in here and I appreciate the specific word choices you used."

After that, the fruit is left for mangling
slice it up, dip it in peanut butter
to disguise the fact that you don't like the taste.
Strip it to the core, toss it in the compost bin
leave it to molder into next year's crops.

To disguise the fact that you don't like the taste says a lot within this extended metaphor. There's something a bit sad and resigned about the last two lines in this strophe.

The seeds lose their star-shaped pattern--Maybe lose a sense of being special is in view here
collapse into a heap in the back of your mind--in the back of your mind feels a bit overdone maybe "in your thoughts"
lingering like the bits of skin between your teeth and the juices--consider cutting the "the" before bits. This is a great use of remembering what lingered in the first encounter. The thoughts we carry with us beyond the time of that "first" time. Something is left behind
that dried onto your cracked lips long
after the last kiss came to moisten them.--I love these two lines. There's an element of regret here. The phrasing is well done.

You'll try a different kind of apple - Braeburn, perhaps
a mottled surface more suited to your senses.--There will be other lovers, different from the first.
Meander through the produce section before settling--settling might be the best break in the whole poem.
on something that fills the void at the back of your tongue--maybe on instead of at

Throwing the new apple into a batch of turnovers
you open the oven and release the smells
of cinnamon and sugar, warmth creeping to the couch
where your dog plays and you curl up
after pouring a glass of hard cider and switching
into something a little more comfortable.

--I decided to reign in the commenting a bit since this is mild. So, let me summarize my thoughts on the ending. The cinnamon and sugar has such nice double meaning, as does hard cider, and the last line closes the idea very well

Much enjoyed this "First" poem of yours Lexi. You have a deft hand.

Hopefully some of the comments will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[FractalPacifist]

Todd,

Thanks for your opinions! You were right on track with what I was meaning to say. I'll take that content warning down then... I just wasn't sure, and wanted to be careful since this is the "first" poem I posted. /theterriblepunlives.

S3 definitely needs a good coat of polish. You're totally right about my over use of "the".

~Lexi

[Jeffrey Gibson]

A few remarks:

First

Hold the sphere in your hand, lips parted,
and sink into the untarnished shine

Your syntax indicates that you are directing the person you are speaking to sink him/herself into a shine.

I think you meant to say sink your teeth in the sphere. And can one sink into a shine?

And why the almost complete absence of punctuation throughout this piece, especially where punctuation is actually needed?


Jeffrey

[FractalPacifist]

Jeffery,

I meant the shine in a more metaphorical sense - the brightness of a first encounter, etc. I actually did play with the idea of using teeth, but I thought it detracted from the rest of the imagery. Perhaps I will reconsider this.

As far as punctuation goes, would you mind pointing out any areas you feel could use more? I'd love to see where you think I could use improvement. ^_^

[ChristopherSea]

Is a content warning necessary in this one? I put it up anyway just in case.

First

Hold the sphere in your hand, lips parted,
and sink into the untarnished shine,
a verdant surface bursting with sour juices,
before turning to pasty mulch between your teeth.

After that, the fruit is left for mangling;
slice it up, dip it in peanut butter
to disguise the fact that you don't like the taste.
Strip it to the core, toss it in the compost bin,
leave it to molder into next year's crops.

The seeds lose their star-shaped pattern,
collapse into a heap in the back of your mind,
lingering like the bits of skin between your teeth and the juices
that dried onto your cracked lips long
after the last kiss came to moisten them.

You'll try a different kind of apple - Braeburn perhaps,
a mottled surface more suited to your senses.
Meander through the produce section before settling
on something that fills the void at the back of your tongue.

Throwing the new apple into a batch of turnovers,
you open the oven and release the smells
of cinnamon and sugar, warmth creeping to the couch
where your dog plays and you curl up
after pouring a glass of hard cider and switching
into something a little more comfortable.

I didn't catch onto to the warning need, the language is fine. If you are referring to a young lady having her 'pome eaten', you don't need a warning. I enjoyed the poem and extended metaphor. I found some puntuation omissions as indicated in red. 'Switching' sounded odd in place of 'changing', but you may be trying to avoid being cliche and/or imploying double meaning. Also, the breaks here may not be the best:

lingering like the bits of skin between your teeth and the juices
that dried onto your cracked lips long
after the last kiss came to moisten them.

maybe this would work better:

lingering like the bits of skin between your teeth
and the juices that dried onto your cracked lips
long after the last kiss came to moisten them.

See what you think. Nice work!/Chris