04-17-2013, 11:16 AM
The introduction of a person being addressed in line 7 ("sight of you") comes as a bit of a shock; maybe he could be introduced earlier? This is a brilliant poem. It's poignant and flecked with evocative details ("cheap whiskey and broken lightbulbs"). Within this short poem you create a fully realised story about love, endurance, suffering and happiness. In that sense it's like a Bukowski poem: more about narrative than structure. The lines, I think, could be a bit shorter, thus making the poem slightly easier on the eye, but other than that I thoroughly enjoyed this powerful, emotional work. Critique is JMHO, and thank you for the read
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe