Puzzled (first edit)

[Volaticus]

I had a lot of fun writing this poem. I wanted to play around, and let the last word in a sentence (for the most part), be the first word in the next sentence, and also to keep it fairly simple.
I'm not sure what (if any ;-) ) parts of the poem works though, as the poem was an experiment, so any kind of feedback will of course be appreciated. :-)


Puzzled

Lost within a second,
Seconds lost within,
Within; eternal tear, Should there be a semi-colon here? This line might be more effective and moving if you re-phrase it as "within eternal tears" (which would also mean making "tear" plural in the next line, of course). Just a suggestion.
A tear of love and sin.

Sins and deep devotion,
Devotion deep with fear,
Fear, to feel deliv'rance, I like this contraction, maybe just because I don't often see contractions in modern poetry.
Deliberate and clear.

Clarity in voices,
Voices shouting tales,
Tales of luminosity,
Luminous and dim. The lack of an A B C B rhyme scheme, which the other verses have, in this last verse surprised me, and not to good effect, I think, though it's a minor point.

There's not a great deal of imagery or narrative here, which I like in poems, but otherwise it's a neat, flowing piece of structured verse. Thank you for the read

Hi Heslopian,
Thanks a lot for your comments

The first stanza: Now that you mention it, no, the semicolon shouldn't be there. And I like your re-phrase. I think I'll play around with it a bit. Both "tear" was meant like 'tearing something up'. But with help from your suggestion, the first "tears" could be crying tears, and the next "tear" could keep it's original meaning, 'to tear something'. I'll figure it out

Thanks I don't usually use such kinds of contractions, but here it just seemed very appropriate.

Last stanza: I think you're right. It should have continued with the ABCB rhyme scheme.

Thanks for the help, it seems I have some work ahead with this piece, I'll also see if I can get some imagery into it