The Young Man

[eli]

The Young Man

The young man awaits
For screeches of a train
Lights flicker, older men state,
“There, time is here”
And cane in hand, money to pay
Quickly walks away.

The young man treading
Through narrow halls and
Unfamiliar faces, warned
From his path. “It is done,”
They call, shaking their heads.
“Again ‘tis repeating,” they say.

The young man now backward falls
Knowing nothing to learn, nor
Anything to remember. “Those calls,”
He says, “They will never help.”
Aboard the train he returns,
His journey, he never learns.

[ESmith]

Okay, well, first things first - It's gorgeous. The rhythm, the gentle but nonrestrictive, uncommitted rhymes, it's flowing and fabulous in style.

However, personally, I'm struggling to find the meaning. I will admit freely that this is just as likely my ignorance as it is your poem, but I would wait to hear from a few other people, see if they feel the same way. You may like to expand it a little to give it more context.

[BlackSeconds]

Wow, i really enjoyed the flow in this poem. It is mysterious. I too have a bit of a struggle finding the meaning. But sometmes it works, and in this poem i felt it did. Still I am curious..

[eli]

Okay, well, first things first - It's gorgeous. The rhythm, the gentle but nonrestrictive, uncommitted rhymes, it's flowing and fabulous in style.

However, personally, I'm struggling to find the meaning. I will admit freely that this is just as likely my ignorance as it is your poem, but I would wait to hear from a few other people, see if they feel the same way. You may like to expand it a little to give it more context.

Yes, understanding the meaning of this poem is something I had a feeling would be a problem for readers. I'd like to see what other people say (if any more does) before I add more to it, but that is already something I'm thinking about. Thanks!

[Snags]

For what it's worth, to me it hints at suicide. Either in progress or past and remembered. Kinda hoping I'm wrong, though!

[eli]

For what it's worth, to me it hints at suicide. Either in progress or past and remembered. Kinda hoping I'm wrong, though!

That's an interesting idea Snags. I'll admit that it's not what I had in mind when I wrote it, but I can see why you'd interpret it as such.

[cidermaid]

Hi Eli

I've read this several times now (and also read the other feedback).
I have to confess that I too have a certain amount of confusion in regards to the meaning, this in turn is making it difficult to offer any meaningful crit on punctuation or individual word choice.
At this stage it is difficult to decide if this poem is an enigmatic mystery crafted as some sort of intentional riddle or just a set of not quite fully formed ideas. Either way at the moment it would appear that your poem is not quite delivering, as the readers so far have not managed to draw any real images or coherent threads of thought.
Not sure if this will help or not (as only one view) but will offer my line
thoughts on possible meanings I can see. I appreciate that this is the novice section and as such the comments should be kept light, your poem had caught my attention. So although this will look like a lot of comments I will try and keep them for the most part, based on the images as I see them.

The Yound Man (? spelling assuming you meant young not yound)] From the title "A young man" (No longer a boy) brings to mind virility and strength, prime of life, (also testosterone fuelled, self opinionated, overconfidence ... but then I'm a grumpy old woman!). A young man, is a man at the beginning of his life adventure -- a story yet to be told.

The young man awaits So from the title lead in we have the beginning of a story or adventure, the start of a journey -- somehow on hold, because he is awaiting something.
For screeches of a train First word choice question. awaits for feels clunky and awkward. awaiting for or perhaps awaits the. ? Screeches or screeching. Image / story wise I felt that A train is again about a journey. As a metaphor a train is perhaps a symbol for direct A-B route and or incredible power. (conversly I also see this as a symbol for a restricted life - someone who is controled by pre-set agendas not of thier own making).
Next I ask the question; Why would a train be screeching? either the horn is sounding a signal of arrival or potential danger or it is in the process of aggressive / emergency braking.
begining to gather my thoughts so far I arrive at an image of a man setting out in life, leaving behind his childhood ways, escaping perhaps, becuase the train arrived in a hurry to collect him.
Lights flicker, older men state, The flickering lights (a continuation of the train image - good continuity. (? what this symbolises. failing courage perhaps. Poor comunication). the idea of older men (voices) is introduced. As they are just older not old I imagine these to be still powerful men. if our young man is a gorilla in his prime then these could be the silverbacks. wisdom and strenght still to give him a run for his money. and they make a statment (as opposed to simply saying something). so i assume that this is a word to be noted / believed in as having some relevance.
“There, time is here” (? the use of there did you mean to imply a place or the suggestion of pocession of an individual or group -- becuase of the abiguity of the preceeding text I m left unsure if this is a typo or a punctuation thing. If you meant it as a statement then perhaps an exclamation could help to make the intent of the line clearer. "There! Time is here." or "Their time is here" It potentially makes a huge differance to the read and interpretation. Is our young man a representation time itself. or was this a referance to the time of the younger men? As it currently reads I am left without much to work this out with.
And cane in hand, money to pay A cane suggests dignity and a certain dapper, well to do image or infirmity. money to pay, reinforces the former and then also the next line, the swift departure denotes a sprightly air. so from this I'm getting a re-play of the older men being silverbacks with weighty opinions of note.
Quickly walks away. An emotional / phisical distance. suggestive of a rejection and dismissal of connection / association.

I hope from showing you my thought process you can see why I am left confused as a reader. I have some nice images to work with but everything is just that bit too vuage and obtuse to be able to make any real connections in my mind as to what is being presented. So far I (might) have:- A hurried starting out on a journey, of a powerful identity (possibly time) who (possibly) is on a pre-set course that is remarked upon by... ? wisdom.. at the outset of the journey...who then pulls back and puts distanced from themselves to the identity.

The young man treading
Through narrow halls and
Unfamiliar faces, warned
From his path. “It is done,”
They call, shaking their heads.
“Again ‘tis repeating,” they say. I am not much further forward in this stanza to understanding where the writer wants my thoughts to be taken. the "it is done" is straight out of the Bible, so am I now looking at a figure to represent Jesus. I didn't think so but maybe! Or is this a reconnection with the idea that this is time and then this becomes there is nothing new under the sun. which perhaps would help me to interpret the final line of the stanza as spoken by the older men again I am assuming. (But it might be the voices of the unfamiliar faces).

The use of a capital letter to start each new line is now adding to my problems of working out the mystery. I want to put a period after unfamiliar faces to make the sense of the warning clearer as comming from the older men mentioned previously or did you wish to imply it was the faces speaking?

The young man now backward falls
Knowing nothing to learn, nor
Anything to remember. “Those calls,”
He says, “They will never help.”
Aboard the train he returns,
His journey, he never learns.

[b]Again in the final stanza everything is just out of reach. the first line is just odd syntax. The second implies that he has nothing to learn (what so ever, he already knows everything, but then he remembers nothing, so again my suspicion is this is time we are talking about; as time is only ever the constant now (of the perfect moment) that exists from one moment to the next.

Overall I think that perhaps this was about time. But this was the point, after all of this thought and contemplation I am left unsure and have no definate conclusion and so subsequently it leaves me with a sense of disatisfaction as I felt that i have had to work much to hard to get into your poem and as such it is too vuage and needs some work to help the reader along.

Please do not be discouraged by these notes and be thinking that they are all negative. The opposite is true I have spent the time working through this because i think there is much to commend the ideas you have and even if my thoughts have taken me a million miles from your intended concepts i think your poem is well worth the effort and would encourage you to come back with an edit.
Hope these notes will be of some help, they are of course JMHO
all the best AJ

[eli]

Hi Eli

I've read this several times now (and also read the other feedback).
I have to confess that I too have a certain amount of confusion in regards to the meaning, this in turn is making it difficult to offer any meaningful crit on punctuation or individual word choice.
At this stage it is difficult to decide if this poem is an enigmatic mystery crafted as some sort of intentional riddle or just a set of not quite fully formed ideas. Either way at the moment it would appear that your poem is not quite delivering, as the readers so far have not managed to draw any real images or coherent threads of thought.
Not sure if this will help or not (as only one view) but will offer my line
thoughts on possible meanings I can see. I appreciate that this is the novice section and as such the comments should be kept light, your poem had caught my attention. So although this will look like a lot of comments I will try and keep them for the most part, based on the images as I see them.

The Yound Man (? spelling assuming you meant young not yound)] From the title "A young man" (No longer a boy) brings to mind virility and strength, prime of life, (also testosterone fuelled, self opinionated, overconfidence ... but then I'm a grumpy old woman!). A young man, is a man at the beginning of his life adventure -- a story yet to be told.

The young man awaits So from the title lead in we have the beginning of a story or adventure, the start of a journey -- somehow on hold, because he is awaiting something.
For screeches of a train First word choice question. awaits for feels clunky and awkward. awaiting for or perhaps awaits the. ? Screeches or screeching. Image / story wise I felt that A train is again about a journey. As a metaphor a train is perhaps a symbol for direct A-B route and or incredible power. (conversly I also see this as a symbol for a restricted life - someone who is controled by pre-set agendas not of thier own making).
Next I ask the question; Why would a train be screeching? either the horn is sounding a signal of arrival or potential danger or it is in the process of aggressive / emergency braking.
begining to gather my thoughts so far I arrive at an image of a man setting out in life, leaving behind his childhood ways, escaping perhaps, becuase the train arrived in a hurry to collect him.
Lights flicker, older men state, The flickering lights (a continuation of the train image - good continuity. (? what this symbolises. failing courage perhaps. Poor comunication). the idea of older men (voices) is introduced. As they are just older not old I imagine these to be still powerful men. if our young man is a gorilla in his prime then these could be the silverbacks. wisdom and strenght still to give him a run for his money. and they make a statment (as opposed to simply saying something). so i assume that this is a word to be noted / believed in as having some relevance.
“There, time is here” (? the use of there did you mean to imply a place or the suggestion of pocession of an individual or group -- becuase of the abiguity of the preceeding text I m left unsure if this is a typo or a punctuation thing. If you meant it as a statement then perhaps an exclamation could help to make the intent of the line clearer. "There! Time is here." or "Their time is here" It potentially makes a huge differance to the read and interpretation. Is our young man a representation time itself. or was this a referance to the time of the younger men? As it currently reads I am left without much to work this out with.
And cane in hand, money to pay A cane suggests dignity and a certain dapper, well to do image or infirmity. money to pay, reinforces the former and then also the next line, the swift departure denotes a sprightly air. so from this I'm getting a re-play of the older men being silverbacks with weighty opinions of note.
Quickly walks away. An emotional / phisical distance. suggestive of a rejection and dismissal of connection / association.

I hope from showing you my thought process you can see why I am left confused as a reader. I have some nice images to work with but everything is just that bit too vuage and obtuse to be able to make any real connections in my mind as to what is being presented. So far I (might) have:- A hurried starting out on a journey, of a powerful identity (possibly time) who (possibly) is on a pre-set course that is remarked upon by... ? wisdom.. at the outset of the journey...who then pulls back and puts distanced from themselves to the identity.

The young man treading
Through narrow halls and
Unfamiliar faces, warned
From his path. “It is done,”
They call, shaking their heads.
“Again ‘tis repeating,” they say. I am not much further forward in this stanza to understanding where the writer wants my thoughts to be taken. the "it is done" is straight out of the Bible, so am I now looking at a figure to represent Jesus. I didn't think so but maybe! Or is this a reconnection with the idea that this is time and then this becomes there is nothing new under the sun. which perhaps would help me to interpret the final line of the stanza as spoken by the older men again I am assuming. (But it might be the voices of the unfamiliar faces).

The use of a capital letter to start each new line is now adding to my problems of working out the mystery. I want to put a period after unfamiliar faces to make the sense of the warning clearer as comming from the older men mentioned previously or did you wish to imply it was the faces speaking?

The young man now backward falls
Knowing nothing to learn, nor
Anything to remember. “Those calls,”
He says, “They will never help.”
Aboard the train he returns,
His journey, he never learns.

[b]Again in the final stanza everything is just out of reach. the first line is just odd syntax. The second implies that he has nothing to learn (what so ever, he already knows everything, but then he remembers nothing, so again my suspicion is this is time we are talking about; as time is only ever the constant now (of the perfect moment) that exists from one moment to the next.

Overall I think that perhaps this was about time. But this was the point, after all of this thought and contemplation I am left unsure and have no definate conclusion and so subsequently it leaves me with a sense of disatisfaction as I felt that i have had to work much to hard to get into your poem and as such it is too vuage and needs some work to help the reader along.

Please do not be discouraged by these notes and be thinking that they are all negative. The opposite is true I have spent the time working through this because i think there is much to commend the ideas you have and even if my thoughts have taken me a million miles from your intended concepts i think your poem is well worth the effort and would encourage you to come back with an edit.
Hope these notes will be of some help, they are of course JMHO
all the best AJ

Thank you very much for doing this for me! It is just what I need, and I appreciate that you felt my poem was worth all of that effort.

I suppose now I'll reveal my thought processes, since I now understand exactly what is troubling my readers. I'll use your thought process to make my comments, if you don't mind.

"The Yound Man" Yes, I did mean "Young", so I'll have to change that. You are spot on about your thinking of what this represents.
The young man awaits
For screeches of a train The screeches of the train is supposed to give the reader the image of a train quickly coming to a halt in order to take the young man away, as if he is leaving his childhood. He doesn't have control over it, but he does wait for it which is still in his power and so it must be his choice for this to happen, his choice that caused the train to take him away. You are right about how these lines read, too. I'll have to play with some other arrangements to make them smoother.
Lights flicker, older men state, Lights flickering - for me - symbolizes danger. Like if you're on a train, flickering lights may mean that there is a problem with the electrical power on board and if it fails then everyone may be in danger. So, for the young man now boarding the train with flickering lights, it serves as a warning about his decision to board. I chose "older" only out of consideration of the lyrical flow of the line, rather than trying to specify whether these men are actually 'old' or just 'older' than the young man. Honestly it doesn't matter, but I'm given the image of 'old' men rather than men in their 40s or so. I'm making them old so that it suggests that they are wise and experienced. Coupled with the next line, their use suggests that they understand what's happening and trying to pass on to this inexperienced young man this knowledge. You are right about everything else about that. Also, they are stating something rather than just saying it in order to give the impression that what they're saying is really important, so in the next line I probably should have used an exclamation mark.
"There, time is here" This is supposed to be an indirect warning to the young man. I think the line, "Now! The time is here!" is a clearer representation of the purpose of the line. The older men are again refering to the young man boarding the train, warning about the lights flickering, a.k.a the danger.
And cane in hand, money to pay
Quickly walks away. "And cane in hand, money to pay" does reinforce their image as older, more experienced men than the young man. You are also right about the next line, "Quickly walks away." It is as if they have given up on the young man. They gave their warning, now they're gone.

Okay, so far I want the reader to have the impression that this young man has made a decision, which resulted in his being taken away into danger by this train of which he has no control over once it has him. Men who are more experienced and wise than he have warned him to no use and now they're gone.

The young man treading
Through narrow halls and
Unfamiliar faces, warned
From his path. “It is done,”
They call, shaking their heads.
“Again ‘tis repeating,” they say. The young man is now on the train, and treading along with it. This is supposed to give the impression that he still does not understand what it happening, so the other people of the train - the "Unfamiliar faces" - have also warned him but this has not worked either. "It is done," they say (not supposed to be a biblical reference.). They also say, "Again 'tis repeating," which suggests that this has already happened before. The reader is supposed to come to the conclusion that it could not have been this young man who has done it before, since he has just arrived from childhood and he is still inexperienced. Therefore it must have been the older men who have warned him that has also fallen into this sort of danger when they were young and inexperienced. So basically time is repeating itself, or as we always hear: history is repeating itself. This is the major motif of the poem; the central meaning. The reader may also come to the realization that this young man really isn't just one young man at all, but rather a representation of all young and inexperienced people. This explains the next stanza:
The young man now backward falls
Knowing nothing to learn, nor
Anything to remember. “Those calls,”
He says, “They will never help.”
Aboard the train he returns,
His journey, he never learns. The first four lines are supposed to just reinforce the idea that now he is falling into the danger, and all people who are included in this metaphor of a young man does not understand what to learn or remember to prevent it. So they say of the warnings of the older people, "They will never help." So endlessly through time they willingly board this train, not learning from it.

There you have it. The poem is basically a warning itself to all young people (including myself, as I'm only 17) that if we do not learn from the mistakes of people who are wiser and more experienced than us, then we will just repeat them. Thanks for your help!

[bigpapaj50]

I really enjoyed the rhythm of the whole thing. I'm not very well read on this whole poetry thing but I enjoyed it :]><