Puzzled (first edit)

[heslopian]

I had a lot of fun writing this poem. I wanted to play around, and let the last word in a sentence (for the most part), be the first word in the next sentence, and also to keep it fairly simple.
I'm not sure what (if any ;-) ) parts of the poem works though, as the poem was an experiment, so any kind of feedback will of course be appreciated. :-)


Puzzled

Lost within a second,
Seconds lost within,
Within; eternal tear, Should there be a semi-colon here? This line might be more effective and moving if you re-phrase it as "within eternal tears" (which would also mean making "tear" plural in the next line, of course). Just a suggestion.
A tear of love and sin.

Sins and deep devotion,
Devotion deep with fear,
Fear, to feel deliv'rance, I like this contraction, maybe just because I don't often see contractions in modern poetry.
Deliberate and clear.

Clarity in voices,
Voices shouting tales,
Tales of luminosity,
Luminous and dim. The lack of an A B C B rhyme scheme, which the other verses have, in this last verse surprised me, and not to good effect, I think, though it's a minor point.

There's not a great deal of imagery or narrative here, which I like in poems, but otherwise it's a neat, flowing piece of structured verse. Thank you for the read