Puzzled (first edit)

[Volaticus]

Hi, I really like that you are experimenting and playing with ideas like this and also actually quite like what you have tried to do here.
I think it is working, certainly at the concept level.
In terms of crit I would say that for me I Think the first stanza is the weakest in that it is perhaps trying too hard and that I felt you got into your stride and relaxed in the next two stanzas .
I liked the subtler shifts rather than the tight repetitions.
I enjoyed the read. AJ

Hi AJ,
Thanks a lot for the feedback :-)
I'm happy to hear that you think it works conceptually. It was definitely concept I played with most.
And I understand what you mean with the first stanza. It's trying too hard and I'll try to make it less cliche. I thought the third stanza was the weakest, so I'll have to do something about that too, I think :-)
And it's not to seem ungrateful for your feedback, but I'm not sure I understand fully what you mean with subtler shifts and tight repetition. If it's not too much to ask, could you maybe rephrase or give an example?
- LB