Puzzled (first edit)

[Volaticus]

FIRST EDIT
Puzzled

Lost within a second,
I second what's within,
Within the rupture tears,
It's torn 'tween love and sin.

Sins and deep devotion,
Revoked my deepest fear,
Afraid to feel deliv'rance,
Deliberate and clear.

Clarity in voices,
Voicing out the tale,
The tale of luminosity,
Luminous, but pale.


I'd love to know what you think of my edit, I tried to use as much of your feedback as possible

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I had a lot of fun writing this poem. I wanted to play around, and let the last word in a sentence (for the most part), be the first word in the next sentence, and also to keep it fairly simple.
I'm not sure what (if any ;-) ) parts of the poem works though, as the poem was an experiment, so any kind of feedback will of course be appreciated. :-)


Puzzled

Lost within a second,
Seconds lost within,
Within; eternal tear,
A tear of love and sin.

Sins and deep devotion,
Devotion deep with fear,
Fear, to feel deliv'rance,
Deliberate and clear.

Clarity in voices,
Voices shouting tales,
Tales of luminosity,
Luminous and dim.