03-28-2013, 08:19 AM
yep ally, it's a bit cliched, but it's nothing an edit can't rectify 
where you see a cliche, think of something original. you noiseless bastard. says something similar to your first line, not saying use it but, just to look at what the cliche is saying and changing it, he may be a good guy so exchange prince for bastard etc. the piece does feel a bit wordy in a lot of places so cutting back would bring out the best parts of the poem
where you see a cliche, think of something original. you noiseless bastard. says something similar to your first line, not saying use it but, just to look at what the cliche is saying and changing it, he may be a good guy so exchange prince for bastard etc. the piece does feel a bit wordy in a lot of places so cutting back would bring out the best parts of the poem
(03-28-2013, 02:56 AM)allykat727 Wrote: It’s the sound of your silence
in the cold of the night, frightening stare
and the break of a smile, glistening
behind your eyes and trickling down your nose
make plans, break hands, let envelopes close.
Waterfalls of bygones drown the air around us
but the dust on my lips aches to be made warm no need for 'but', the rest of the line is excellent.
in the strength of your arms, don’t let go.
The dizzy dance ensues and the music spins louder
and somehow my feet know step 1, 2 and 3
can’t you see that I’m still shaky with fever?
and all of those who stepped on your frail toes
left you wet and broken and all mine, all mine.
You’re still the best dancer in this part of town
but the thing is, I can’t bear your silence this time.