03-05-2013, 06:02 AM
wow Tom! ;-)
"without my becoming overwhelmingly rude. " sure! ;-)
"cuz" is poshest US street slang for because of course.
on to the poem:
The first stanza is not that bad (one nit: breath turns into gold?
But then, from stanza 2 onwards the potentially poetic quality deteriorates.
I wish I could say something nice to outbalance Tom's Tysonish frontal attack.
most of the lines are too obviously constructed for the sake of rhymes.
But a rewrite is always possible and I would use the first stanza as a forward operating base (to put it G.I-ish)
cheers serge
"without my becoming overwhelmingly rude. " sure! ;-)
"cuz" is poshest US street slang for because of course.
on to the poem:
The first stanza is not that bad (one nit: breath turns into gold?
But then, from stanza 2 onwards the potentially poetic quality deteriorates.
I wish I could say something nice to outbalance Tom's Tysonish frontal attack.
most of the lines are too obviously constructed for the sake of rhymes.
But a rewrite is always possible and I would use the first stanza as a forward operating base (to put it G.I-ish)
cheers serge