01-19-2013, 02:07 AM
Still not sure what flips your switch
Funny the years have left few hints
Or maybe I just can’t believe
It’s me void of things labeled She
If you're going for a smooth flow here, the last line doesn't work well. I like things with jagged edges that cut the reader's brain. They say it doesn't feel pain on its own. But they say lots of things. So can you, if you like that last line.
No more than curves and skin
Or bigger than that empty space
Slots labeled A for tab B
Electrons fly frantic for charge
Again. You're falling off on these last lines.
Like bulbs that all glow
One light’s as good as the next
Would you try out each one
If fortune gave up some chance?
Slow screw them with tender touch
Inside the wanting ceiling socket
Which filament shines brightest?
Is incandescent the same as fluorescent?
Those last two lines sound good together.
Observe and report
Yes, all the same parts
No reservation required
For a place in your heart
It still sounds kind of stiff. It doesn't flow too well, I mean. But others might have better thoughts.
Funny the years have left few hints
Or maybe I just can’t believe
It’s me void of things labeled She
If you're going for a smooth flow here, the last line doesn't work well. I like things with jagged edges that cut the reader's brain. They say it doesn't feel pain on its own. But they say lots of things. So can you, if you like that last line.
No more than curves and skin
Or bigger than that empty space
Slots labeled A for tab B
Electrons fly frantic for charge
Again. You're falling off on these last lines.
Like bulbs that all glow
One light’s as good as the next
Would you try out each one
If fortune gave up some chance?
Slow screw them with tender touch
Inside the wanting ceiling socket
Which filament shines brightest?
Is incandescent the same as fluorescent?
Those last two lines sound good together.
Observe and report
Yes, all the same parts
No reservation required
For a place in your heart
It still sounds kind of stiff. It doesn't flow too well, I mean. But others might have better thoughts.