Matt's Story

[Todd]

His mother was asleep in the car—
red-cheeked as a painted doll.
Her eyes fixed on some distant
point beyond his shoulder. He turned
but saw nothing.
His father unlocked the door,
and moved her head as if to pose her, but
his mother was asleep in the car.

[just mercedes]

His mother was asleep in the car—
red-cheeked as a painted doll.
Her eyes fixed on some distant
point beyond his shoulder. He turned
but saw nothing.
His Father unlocked the door,
and moved her head as if to pose her, but
his mother was asleep in the car.

I'm reading that Matt's mother committed suicide in the car. (the red cheeks, open eyes, and locked door)The lack of comprehension in the narrator's voice makes the fact all that much more chilling, as the reader realizes how this scene appears to a child.

Very effective, and affective, Todd. Not sure that father needs caps, as they're not used for mother.

[Todd]

Thank you, Mercedes.

I made the change on father (not sure how those sneak through--good catch).

[Achebe]

Chilling.

[Wjames]

There's a wonderful detachment to the scene, which adds some realism, as well as highlights the fact that Matt is a child.

[burrealist]

Th

Her eyes fixed on some distant
point beyond his shoulder. He turned
but saw nothing. (This is my favorite part. I can see it like I'm seeing it on film. "Some distant point" spells death so well.)

His father unlocked the door,
and moved her head as if to pose her, but (Where did this guy come from?)

[Todd]

Thank you all for the comments.

[believer135]

His mother was asleep in the car—
red-cheeked as a painted doll.  
Her eyes fixed on some distant
point beyond his shoulder. He turned
but saw nothing.
His father unlocked the door,
and moved her head as if to pose her, but
his mother was asleep in the car.

"red-cheeked as a painted doll." Nice imagery here. undefined

"Her eyes fixed on some distant 
point beyond his shoulder. He turned 
but saw nothing"-This makes me think that she is dead and the child hasn't noticed yet.  If this wasn't your purpose, I'm sorry that I misunderstood.

[Todd]

@Believer: Yes, you are reading it as I intended.

[RiverNotch]

His mother was asleep in the car—
red-cheeked as a painted doll.
Her eyes fixed on some distant
point beyond his shoulder. He turned
but saw nothing.
His father unlocked the door,
and moved her head as if to pose her, but
his mother was asleep in the car.

It's pretty great. I rather liked "His Father", though -- makes that whole nothing bit all the more chilling, as it opens the piece up to a more, er, spiritualist reading. But then the capital would also make it rather heavy-handed, and already there's that sense of the creeping-in divine.

[Todd]

Thanks River.