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I was born into this bowl of crap.
Dropped on heavy burden.
In the heap of it all, I managed my weight.
But
Thptpthptpth!
First thing in the morning.
Is this fat guy one stall over
My future?
Thoughts/opinions/attacks/ or general critiques welcome!
Posts: 598
Threads: 83
Joined: Apr 2016
It's not very common anymore to capitalize the first letter of each line. It's confusing. Originally, it had to do with how things needed to be typeset, but that's irrelevant now.
I don't like the title, but I can't put my finger on why at the moment, so I'll get back to you.
(04-01-2017, 06:28 AM)burrealist Wrote: I was born into this bowl of crap. -- maybe "a bowl of crap" -- being verbs like "was" are also weak.
Dropped on heavy burden. -- this isn't a complete sentence.
In the heap of it all, I managed my weight. -- "of it all" isn't needed, and doesn't refer back to anything or give us any detail. Put in something concrete, I think. "Managed my weight" can also refer to dieting and staying on an exercise/eating plan which seems to take the poem off in a different direction, unless the poem is actually about physical weight, which is also possible.
But -- don't need this, just go straight to the next line
Thptpthptpth!
First thing in the morning. -- not a complete sentence, also a common expression boarding on cliche
Is this fat guy one stall over -- like the ending a lot. One stall over makes me think bathroom, which ties in with the crap of the first line
My future?
Thoughts/opinions/attacks/ or general critiques welcome!
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(04-01-2017, 06:28 AM)burrealist Wrote: I was born into this bowl of crap. -- I love the word crap because it's an easy way to strip crap of weight. However, this is too vague. What kind of crap were you born into. Even if you're trying to be funny, fly-swarmed crap or any other detail would augment the gravitas, so the splash hits your cheeks at least.
Dropped on heavy burden.
In the heap of it all, I managed my weight.
But
Thptpthptpth!
First thing in the morning.
Is this fat guy one stall over
My future? -- lol. Just need to manage shits. Doing this makes sure you avoid these types of situations.
Thoughts/opinions/attacks/ or general critiques welcome!
In all honesty, this poem is sort of a cop out. It's dancing around crap. 100 percent honesty often flounders. Good luck. I think you have a voice. You might have to chisel at some dung nuggets first. This review is belligerent. You know better than this BS.
Posts: 54
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Joined: Mar 2017
Yes, I think I was holding back because people would dislike the context of it all. But if shit is exciting, then I'll give this one a better chance.
