mother

[MikaelHeller]

now the sun rests
on a wall of night

the air
re-embers

and I see
your apron.

come back to me

[Utnapishtim]

DUDE. Beautiful.

the air
re-embers

and I see
your apron.


This is minimalism at its best.
It makes me envision seeing my mom crying over the dishes in the kitchen sink...when the love of her life had failed her, night after night. It is amazing that your 20-21 words could spark that memory in a stranger...proof of a universal experience/world of shared emotions. I would not change. A. WORD. Very serious about this.

[monmac]

Wow it hits the spot I think it really works. Also whether you meant it or not I love the
Re-ember.
As it could be read as Remember
All I can say is well done with so few words. Really really good

[starsman]

Hello,

Thank you for this poem, I enjoyed it. I love your use of words, re-embers is beautiful on its own but it is brilliant when paired with the first stanza. Those two stanzas on their own are good, but the depth they add to each other is poignant. The light of a life has gone down into the darkness, a darkness painted on the sky... on the whole world. In that perspective, re-embers is just the perfect touch.

The third stanza is appropriate, and it ties the emotions you brought up to something very real. It makes the connection. But it is here that I feel you could do better. With the 1st and 2nd stanzas being so amazing, with depth of imagery and metaphor, the 3rd is very plain in comparison. Perhaps that is what you wanted, to bring home the simplicity of life and the things we miss? It is a nice message. However, as a poem, I am left wanting for just a bit more.

If you don't mind, I'll give you a hint of what I'd like to personally see (especially being fond of stars and all).

"I see stars
in your apron

lightyears away..
come back to me"

Something like that. Overall, I still love this poem, but I really hope that you could find some way to make it even better!!

Cheers, S.M.

[Norimeknowreason]

I already posted once on this but deleted it. I'm sure you remember. I told you how much it reminded me of my mamaw.   I came back to re-read and try to improve on my critique skills.  I do think it is beautiful but as the reader I am left wanting more. I played a little bit. I don't think it's better than yours by anymeans, but  here goes...
now the sun rests
on a wall of night
the air
re-embers
the paisley apron
tied at your waist
Now it
dangles free
come back to me .
I really did feel this!!  Sometimes when I read  pieces I get it, but don't feel it, if you know what I mean. I think it needs a little bit more is all. THanks again for sharing ..<3