I Keep Beneath My Bed Our Picture, Jess

[alatos]

Typical love sonnet I guess, but any advice is appreciated.

I Keep Beneath My Bed Our Picture, Jess Version 2


I keep beneath my bed our picture, Jess.
It's crumpled, with curled corners, and stained by
salty drops, the gloss long gone, torn, but less
cherished? Jess, I tell you: never more. Why?

An answer to that my words cannot give,
and what reason I have falls short to explain
why without you, it seems that I cannot live,
and what life I do live is lived out in vain.

In the name of God! Why do I still look at it?
You smile back the same as five minutes ago!
But those brown eyes break me, make me submit,
and hold on a bit longer, though I try to let go.

For you love holds my heat in such sad memory
that I cannot forget: will I never be free?












I Keep Beneath My Bed Our Picture, Jess

I keep beneath my bed our picture, Jess.
It is crumpled, with curled corners stained by
salty drops, the gloss long gone, torn, but less
cherished? Inconceivable! Never more. Why?

An answer to that my words cannot give,
and my sharp reason falls short to explain
why without you, it seems I cannot live,
and what life I do live is lived out in vain.

And why, in God's name, do I still look at it?
It stares back as blank as five minutes ago.
Your smile, those brown eyes break me, make me submit
and hold a bit longer, though I try to let go.

For your love lingers on as a sad memory
that I cannot shake: will I never be free?

[justcloudy]

Hi alatos.

I'm by no means a sonnet expert so can't say much on that side of things.

Typical love sonnet I guess, but any advice is appreciated.

I Keep Beneath My Bed Our Picture, Jess

I keep beneath my bed our picture, Jess.
It is crumpled, with curled corners stained by
salty drops, the gloss long gone, torn, but less I love what I see in my head when I read this stanza.
cherished? Inconceivable! Never more. Why? This line is hard to take seriously.

An answer to that my words cannot give, This is a mess.
and my sharp reason falls short to explain Are you complimenting yourself?
why without you, it seems I cannot live,
and what life I do live is lived out in vain. No images here, pretty standard thoughts. This could much more interesting.

And why, in God's name, do I still look at it? This is a bit obvious, maybe you could do something more clever with in God's name if you want to keep it.
It stares back as blank as five minutes ago.
Your smile, those brown eyes break me, make me submit
and hold a bit longer, though I try to let go. These last two lines are unnecessarily wordy.

For your love lingers on as a sad memory
that I cannot shake: will I never be free? Almost there. I'm sure you can do something interesting with "shake".

I feel like this has a lot of potential. The middle lacks luster but the beginning and end aren't bad. Some work needs to be done but this could be very cool.

Just my thoughts.

-justcloudy

[abu nuwas]

Hi,

I rather liked the content, pegged on staring at a photo, and wondering why the narrator can't be ''free'' (he likes his prison). I would suggest, though, that you would have done better, and made it more pointed, had you stuck to the metre of the first line (iambic pentameter) for the rest of the piece, and, like justcloudy, I think you could make the ending more snappy.. Worth working on.

[ThePinsir]

Typical love sonnet I guess, but any advice is appreciated.

I Keep Beneath My Bed Our Picture, Jess

I keep beneath my bed our picture, Jess.
It is crumpled, with curled corners stained by this and the next lines are great
salty drops, the gloss long gone, torn, but less
cherished? Inconceivable! Never more. Why? this seems kind of forced

An answer to that my words cannot give,
and my sharp reason falls short to explain
why without you, it seems I cannot live,
and what life I do live is lived out in vain. nice alliteration

And why, in God's name, do I still look at it?
It stares back as blank as five minutes ago. nice
Your smile, those brown eyes break me, make me submit
and hold a bit longer, though I try to let go. we've all been there

For your love lingers on as a sad memory
that I cannot shake: will I never be free? not until the reader gets rid of that picture!

Only lines 1 and 3 have good meter.
However, I like the imagery you put out. The first stanza had some really good stuff. Then the second stanza just abandoned the photograph idea. No me gusta. I might even consider totally switching the second and third stanzas.

If you fixed up the meter, I think you'd have a really good sonnet.

[alatos]

Typical love sonnet I guess, but any advice is appreciated.

I Keep Beneath My Bed Our Picture, Jess

I keep beneath my bed our picture, Jess.
It is crumpled, with curled corners stained by this and the next lines are great
salty drops, the gloss long gone, torn, but less
cherished? Inconceivable! Never more. Why? this seems kind of forced

An answer to that my words cannot give,
and my sharp reason falls short to explain
why without you, it seems I cannot live,
and what life I do live is lived out in vain. nice alliteration

And why, in God's name, do I still look at it?
It stares back as blank as five minutes ago. nice
Your smile, those brown eyes break me, make me submit
and hold a bit longer, though I try to let go. we've all been there

For your love lingers on as a sad memory
that I cannot shake: will I never be free? not until the reader gets rid of that picture!

Only lines 1 and 3 have good meter.
However, I like the imagery you put out. The first stanza had some really good stuff. Then the second stanza just abandoned the photograph idea. No me gusta. I might even consider totally switching the second and third stanzas.

If you fixed up the meter, I think you'd have a really good sonnet.

Thank you, sir! You've managed to put your finger on exactly why this didn't really do it for me! It was my sudden departure from the picture theme. I will be back... with revisions.

[alatos]

Revision in first post

[justcloudy]

S1L4 good edit.
All of S2 still needs looking at, and you agreed with ThePinsir about that in the comment above, so why didn't you change anything?
S3L3 good edit.
S4L1 should be "your" and "heart".

It's getting better! Keep working at it.

-justcloudy

[vivin_bangera]

Hi,

Let me start by saying that i loved this poem of yours(I personally love these kind).
Technically i might not know that much(Yes i am a novice) but emotionally it was really well crafted.
To begin with the detailing of the photograph was really good.
There are two ways with which i could understand this poem. Either he is in prison or under captivity of some sort and is unable to meet his love. Or his love is no more and he wishes to be free(die) too so as to be with her.

All in all it was a lovely read.