Posts: 46
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2012
Still not sure what flips your switch
Funny the years have left few hints
Or maybe I just can’t believe
It’s me void of things labeled She
No more than curves and skin
Or bigger than that empty space
Slots labeled A for tab B
Electrons fly frantic for charge
Like bulbs that all glow
One light’s as good as the next
Would you try out each one
If fortune gave up some chance?
Slow screw them with tender touch
Inside the wanting ceiling socket
Which filament shines brightest?
Is incandescent the same as fluorescent?
Observe and report
Yes, all the same parts
No reservation required
For a place in your heart
-------------------------
Would love any feedback on this one as I've hit my usual spot of uncertainty. Thanks in advance!
Best,
Mona
Still not sure what flips your switch
Funny the years have left few hints
Or maybe I just can’t believe
It’s me void of things labeled She
If you're going for a smooth flow here, the last line doesn't work well. I like things with jagged edges that cut the reader's brain. They say it doesn't feel pain on its own. But they say lots of things. So can you, if you like that last line.
No more than curves and skin
Or bigger than that empty space
Slots labeled A for tab B
Electrons fly frantic for charge
Again. You're falling off on these last lines.
Like bulbs that all glow
One light’s as good as the next
Would you try out each one
If fortune gave up some chance?
Slow screw them with tender touch
Inside the wanting ceiling socket
Which filament shines brightest?
Is incandescent the same as fluorescent?
Those last two lines sound good together.
Observe and report
Yes, all the same parts
No reservation required
For a place in your heart
It still sounds kind of stiff. It doesn't flow too well, I mean. But others might have better thoughts.
Posts: 46
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2012
Thanks Rowens. I'll keep working at it and see what I can come up with. Stiff is a good way to describe this at the moment. Just have to figure out how to make it flow a bit better. Thanks for the feedback.
Best,
Mona
Posts: 212
Threads: 31
Joined: Jan 2013
(01-19-2013, 12:24 AM)monablackbird Wrote: Still not sure what flips your switch
Funny the years have left few hints
Or maybe I just can’t believe
It’s me void of things labeled She -- You did mention wanting to know how it can flow better, so here's my take on it. Trying making it sound more personal. The way it sounds now is too impersonal for my taste. For example:
What flips your switch?
Year after year I still wonder.
Did I never qualify
To be what you labeled 'She'?
It's not very good, but I hope you get what I'm saying.
No more than curves and skin
Or bigger than that empty space
Slots labeled A for tab B
Electrons fly frantic for charge -- I like the first 2 lines, they work great. However I don't really get the last 2 lines, and they sort of break away from the imagery.
Like bulbs that all glow
One light’s as good as the next
Would you try out each one
If fortune gave up some chance? -- Try rephrasing some lines so they're not as 'telling'. For example:
All bulbs glow,
Shines indistinguishable.
One by one,
Grab the chance, try them out.
It's like leaving room for imagination. Hope my example is good enough to depict that. =/
Slow screw them with tender touch
Inside the wanting ceiling socket -- The 'the' can be removed.
Which filament shines brightest?
Is incandescent the same as fluorescent? -- This stanza is my favourite. It works really well and connects well with the rest of the poem.
Observe and report
Yes, all the same parts
No reservation required
For a place in your heart
Hope I'm of help. =)
-------------------------
Would love any feedback on this one as I've hit my usual spot of uncertainty. Thanks in advance!
Best,
Mona
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