untitled

[disintegrator]

the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin
one single tear, that invisible pin

the myriad of cars so far below
their faceless drivers i'll never know

the irony is they'll learn of me
and perhaps my fall from this wretched tree

a balloon soars past having escaped from a boy
it's free at last, beaming with joy

i watch it vanish into the clouds above
returning to my darkness, my burden, my love

the road i walked has brought me here
damaged and broken, everything i fear

was i made this way or is it to blame,
there's no way to know and i'm tired of this game

pushing myself off i start to cry,
i close my eyes and pretend to fly

[allykat727]

the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin
one single tear, that invisible pin

the myriad of cars so far below
their faceless drivers i'll never know

the irony is they'll learn of me
and perhaps my fall from this wretched tree

a balloon soars past having escaped from a boy
it's free at last, beaming with joy

i watch it vanish into the clouds above
returning to my darkness, my burden, my love

the road i walked has brought me here
damaged and broken, everything i fear

was i made this way or is it to blame,
there's no way to know and i'm tired of this game

pushing myself off i start to cry,
i close my eyes and pretend to fly

Aw such a sad piece I could really feel your emptiness. I would suggest "A balloon soars past that escaped from the boy" because that extra syllable with 'having' seemed to interrupt the flow. Good job

[disintegrator]

Aw such a sad piece I could really feel your emptiness. I would suggest "A balloon soars past that escaped from the boy" because that extra syllable with 'having' seemed to interrupt the flow. Good job

Thanks for the suggestion, it definitely fits nicely. The word "having" did stick out to me but I was unable to find a suitable replacement.

Thanks for taking the time to read

[Volaticus]

A very emotional poem, with a really nice flow overall. The grammar is not so good, though. You've forgot to capitalize the I's. Capitalizing the first word in each stanza could also be an idea, just a suggestion. And though the flow was really good throughout, I think some of the rhymes were a bit forced. It could just be me, but I knew that 'here' would be followed by 'fear', for instance.

[disintegrator]

A very emotional poem, with a really nice flow overall. The grammar is not so good, though. You've forgot to capitalize the I's. Capitalizing the first word in each stanza could also be an idea, just a suggestion. And though the flow was really good throughout, I think some of the rhymes were a bit forced. It could just be me, but I knew that 'here' would be followed by 'fear', for instance.

Thanks for the feedback

Regarding the grammar, I intentionally used lowercase for everything.

I also felt that some of the rhymes were a little forced. I had written this poem a while ago and was hoping that some time away from it might allow me to come up with some improvements however that wasn't the case. So I decided to post what I had.

Hopefully I can improve in this area on the next one.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment!

[Zerric]

This is a really nice poem I liked the fact that it flowed really well, and was easy to read. However when I read it, it seemed like there should be a pause in the middle of each line? Maybe that's just me, but I think commas would give it that pause. It sounds find without the pause I guess, but in my opinion the pauses slow it down, and this seems to be something that should be a little slow.
Another thing is that you could add an 'of' to the 6th line, maybe. " and perhaps 'of' my fall". I'm not an English geek but I'm pretty sure that there should be an 'of' there.

[Brownlie]

the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin
one single tear, that invisible pin

the myriad of cars so far below
their faceless drivers i'll never know

the irony is they'll learn of me
and perhaps my fall from this wretched tree

a balloon soars past having escaped from a boy
it's free at last, beaming with joy

i watch it vanish into the clouds above
returning to my darkness, my burden, my love

the road i walked has brought me here
damaged and broken, everything i fear

was i made this way or is it to blame,
there's no way to know and i'm tired of this game

pushing myself off i start to cry,
i close my eyes and pretend to fly

This is about suicide? Chopin uses a flying bird that attempts to soar but comes down with broken and bruised wings. More concrete details like the concrete of the overpass or the sounds of cars as you sit contemplating. Hopefully I didn't miss the intended point. Good luck

[pepes.kitty]

I did find some of the rhymes to be a little forced, but the emotion conveyed was quite poignant. As always, grammar is important. Overall, i found it moving. Thank you for sharing!