Posts: 325
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
He speaks insipid innuendo,
Insisting in monotonous dulcet tones.
If "dropping hints" were to be a sport,
He would undeniably be undisputed champion.
Understanding this, I offer in my defence,
To be a "Zen Buddhist" teacher to him; of sorts.
So when he think me to be, laughably lazy,
Languid protagonist of promises broken.
Patience, is the gift that I am offering.
wae aye man ye radgie
He speaks insipid innuendo,
Insisting in monotonous dulcet tones.
If "dropping hints" were to be a sport,
He would undeniably be undisputed champion.
Understanding this, I offer in my defence,
To be a "Zen Buddhist" teacher to him; of sorts.
At this line, the capital letter at the beginning might hurt the flow. Depending on who's reading it. And that can be said of the other lines too, but this one especially, because of how it's worded.
So when he think me to be, laughably lazy,
Should it be thinks?
Languid protagonist of promises broken.
And the period here makes you stumble a little. But just a little.
Patience, is the gift that I am offering.
SexualChocolate
Unregistered
It flows rather nicely up until "So when he think me to be, laughably lazy"; perhaps something to designate the internal rhyme between "me" and "be" would work. Also, I think if you removed the comma after patience, the poem would end on a more definite note, and it's effect would be slightly more powerful.
This is much, much more subjective, but you create an almost surreal, ambiguous sense of imagery that I can't help to think is taken away from by "If "dropping hints" were to be a sport, He would undeniably be undisputed champion.". The line within itself is not at all bad, but I'm not sure how it fits in terms of diction with the rest of the poem.
