Dear Mr. Prime Minister

[DestWrites]

Dear Mr. Prime Minister,

We are born in a world where materialistic items,
are.
more.
important,
then poverty and hunger.

Our lives revolve around businesses,
and money that only exists on computers.

Corruption.
Where do I begin?

Our children go to school to learn about jobs,
that don't even
exist.

Higher Education?
Impossible.

Raise tuition fees so our young adults,
go into more
dept.

But that's okay, right Mr. Prime Minister?
It's all a big circle of failure.
Isn't it?

I'm sorry to say sir,
but we hit the peak.

The peak of oil,
the peak of population,
the peak of jobs.
It's all going to tumble down.

When the lights go off we will know,
we will know that 'our way of living',
is all just one
big.
lie.

But that's okay,
Right, Mr. Prime Minister?

Destinie Baker

[Magpie]

Hi, I like the idea of this poem and what you are trying to do. I am a bit confused at times by the words that are highlighted, but I presume that they are meant to be stressed, to convey possibly anger? If this is the case then towards the end of the poem where it gets really snappy I would of perhaps stressed the word peak where it used in four consecutive lines. But I do like that snappiness at the end.
Also the poem title is "Dear Mr. Prime Minister", and then the next mention is "Mr. Prime Minister" and I was kind of expecting the mention after that to have dropped the "Mr." and so forth till the end of the poem like you were stripping away the layers piece by piece.
It reminds me of a Allen Ginsberg poem called "America" which is well worth reading if you haven't already.
Hope this makes sense, I really think it could be a very good poem with a little work.
Keep writing.

[rowens]

We are born in a world where materialistic items,
are.
more.

Are these periods because these ideas are so serious?

important,
then poverty and hunger.

then or than. More important, then poverty. Or more important than poverty. Either could work, though maybe not. It depends on your mind.

Our lives revolve around businesses,
and money that only exists on computers.

Corruption.

I think money's corrupt even when it's being used for good things. So these lines are fair.

Where do I begin?

Our children go to school to learn about jobs,
that don't even
exist.

Higher Education?
Impossible.

Raise tuition fees so our young adults,
go into more
dept.

Do you mean debt, or department? The idea of going into more departments sounds like a fate worse than debt.

But that's okay, right Mr. Prime Minister?
It's all a big circle of failure.
Isn't it?

I'm sorry to say sir,
but we hit the peak.

The peak of oil,
the peak of population,
the peak of jobs.
It's all going to tumble down.

When the lights go off we will know,
we will know that 'our way of living',
is all just one
big.
lie.

But that's okay,
Right, Mr. Prime Minister?

I figure all the leaders are meant to do the things that people don't like. That's why people vote for them. The obvious stuff is hinted at in this poem. Could be more.

[DestWrites]

Hey guys, thats for the feedback!

Ambrosial, I tried to use bold on certain words to emphasize them, make them stand out more and add more affect. This was my first time adding a poem to the forum, some words are ment to be italicized I just couldn't get it to work. When it comes to the repetitiveness of the Dear Mr.Prime Minister, in the actual poem I tried to space it out because that is supposed to be the title. The poem starts at 'We....'. I appreciate the feedback once again and I will try to apply it as best I can, as for the poem America I have never read it but I will be shore to check it out, thanks!

Rowens, I appreciate how you give me feedback throughout the whole poem. I added periods to try and emphasize those words, to try and create a pause before the reader carries on. I was contemplating the 'then and than' last night aha. I just went what I originally wrote down, but I'm glad you mentioned it and I plan to change it to 'than'. When it comes to the 'dept' it's just an error in my spelling, I had every intention to write debt, thanks for catching that. Again, thank you for the feedback, It will help me with future works.

Destinie