Clarity of Mind

[phrvshtumblr]

Clarity of Mind

The dark blue abyss
The endless possibilities
Freedom

You are at peace
Happily drifting further, further
Away
Away from your own mind

You feel the water
Its eternity of sways
Dancing with you, taking control
In almost too many ways

The ocean feels with you
The clarity and tranquility
Drains the mess that are your thoughts
Everything is just a clearer shade or hue

The worries and everyday stress
The pressures to conform
Go with nature
Society is a mess.

The flow of the sand
The push of the current
The hush of the wind
That's what we should follow, hand in hand

We're all driven by the wants
And the needs
When we should be running with the sun,
With the trees.

[Glittercake]

It's an incredible poem. Just one thing stood out; some stanzas rhymed and some lacked rhyme. If that was purposeful then it's perfect, but if it was supposed to rhyme look up synonyms to what you're trying to express.

[Volaticus]

I liked the whole sea/state of mind comparison But to me, the last to stanzas threw me a bit. There's something about "running with the trees", that doesn't seem right, since trees are rooted to the ground. "Running with the sun" makes more sense, as the sun moves across the sky. Maybe "running with the sun, through the trees" or something better And the last line in the sixth stanza seemed somehow weak. Maybe it's because you needed it to rhyme, I dunno. Just scribbling down my initial thoughts Happy writing

[Magpie]

I like this poem very much, from that excellent opening line. And the comparisons with the sea, fit well with the sometimes uneven length of lines, I'm not sure if this was intentional but there is a definite ebb and flow to the whole poem.
It reminds me in some ways of a poem by Alfred Lord Tennyson called "Crossing the Bar" in which he uses uneven lines to convey the motion of the sea, it's well worth reading if you haven't already because it considered by many as a master class in using this technique.
My only criticism would be that it does seem to lose it's way towards the end, but that is in comparison with such a strong opening, also the word Society doesn't feel quite right, compared to the way the rest of the poem is worded. But now that I've said that it does make sense that, that particular word should be more harsh than the rest of the poem. Excellent.

[Rook]

I really liked the first two verses. It felt like you wrote exactly what you wanted to say. I'm not sure how much rhyming adds to the last four verses though. Maybe if you don't restrict yourself you can make a bigger impact at the end.