Bingo Night (Language)

[UnicornRainbowCake]

When I'm old you can fuck
Thursday's bingo night.
I won't make cream cakes
and Angel Delight
There'll be no beige sweater
on my bony shoulders.
I'll have no pills for
my week's tablet holder.

Because when I'm older
it will be a blast -
for old expectations
I cannot be arsed.
I'll throw out the dentures,
and take it from me
I won't hear The Archers
on Radio Three

I'll go on a cruise
on some sunny sea -
take advantage of the
handout martinis,
sit back in the sun
and bronze my dear chest.
It's been thirty years
since I got out my breasts.

I'm sure that you'll call
for my whereabouts
you'll be furious -
I haven't a doubt
but if there's one thing
that I've planned outright,
when I'm old you can fuck
Thursday's bingo night.

[philoinlove]

There are some standout parts in your poem...
I really like the its been thirty years since i took out my breast line. Very good way to have the reader get a grasp of who this narrator is... With that said I think there is still lots to be done to bring the voice out in the piece... I am unsure what kind of person the narrator is... How old is she right now? I dont know, good start.

[billy]

i think centre align is okay when it's a rhyming poem, and non center aligned when it isn't ( not a rule or anything, just an observation) at present your end rhymes need tidying up a bit. shoulders/shoulder blast/arsed chest/breasts etc. the meter in places is a bit jagged but the content is very likeable. i like the natural voice of the poem (apart from the odd place)

thanks for the read.

When I'm old you can fuck
Thursday's bingo night.
I won't make cream cakes
and Angel Delight
There'll be no beige sweater
on my bony shoulders.
I'll have no pills for
my week's tablet holder.

Because when I'm older is because needed?
it will be a blast -
for old expectations
I cannot be arsed. won't or will not, cannot is present tense
I'll throw out the dentures,
and take it from me
I won't hear The Archers
on Radio Three

I'll go on a cruise
on some sunny sea -
take advantage of the
handout martinis,
sit back in the sun
and bronze my dear chest. great image
It's been thirty years
since I got out my breasts. made me smile

I'm sure that you'll call
for my whereabouts
you'll be furious -
I haven't a doubt
but if there's one thing
that I've planned outright,
when I'm old you can fuck
Thursday's bingo night.

[Smiffy]

Enjoyed the read, the opening lines drew me in from the off. I think you could maybe give a hint as to the present age of the writer by stating an age, when I'm 65 or something though that spoil the reverse at the end.
Being picky here but you would'nt hear the Archers on radio three, it's on radio four, artistic licence .

[heslopian]

I personally find center alignments to be aesthetically ugly, but that's just me, and irrelevant, I guess, to the words themselves. This is a very funny and well-crafted poem, like a potty-mouthed Pam Ayres. "I won't hear The Archers/on Radio Three" were my favourite lines, because they were powerfully witty while also providing rhyming words which flowed effortlessly. A great poem; crisp, true and showing hard work

[UnicornRainbowCake]

Enjoyed the read, the opening lines drew me in from the off. I think you could maybe give a hint as to the present age of the writer by stating an age, when I'm 65 or something though that spoil the reverse at the end.
Being picky here but you would'nt hear the Archers on radio three, it's on radio four, artistic licence .

Oh my, I hoped no one would notice! Tsk, I should know better

Thankyou everyone for the advice and comments. I enjoyed writing a happy poem for once.

[Catcherin]

For me this is a perfect piece. Great idea, brilliantly executed. Love the opening/final lines.

[C.M.C.]

I love this poem! It's so funny. Although, at the beginning it appears to have a rhythmic structure that soon deteriorates and comes back at random times. I still love - love - LOVE this. (queue orgasm)

[Keith]

The suggested edits have tidied this up nicely, very fun piece, I like the implied leaving everyone back at home in the last stanza. To be PC on the Archers you could swap "and take it from me" for "and one thing is sure". Hope this helps. TOMH