Exstinguished Flame

[Icebreakers27]

I find myself running around
finding things to do,
Just to keep my mind
from wondering back to you.
This bed is cold, despite my cover,
Still two pillows, absent one lover.
My dreams are haunted
By the memory of your flame,
All it takes is the thought of your name.
This house is empty, cold and dark;
Lifeless and dead without your love's spark.
I wish I could find the answer to this crime.
For once I welcome, the swiftness of time.

[NakedBear]

Your theme is touching,

though I think you can expand on the flame imagery and then refine it by reducing the number of words you use. Remember that the speaker and his/her lover are human, and have good and bad aspects which should be flushed out. Luckily, the flame is also good and bad, so there's plenty of room for elaboration.

I find myself running around
finding things to do,
Just to keep my mind
from wondering back to you. The title and other parts of this poem make me think that the lover's dead, but this line makes me think otherwise. Which is it? Maybe you could say 'keep my mind from renewing you as paler flame within itself'. Or whatever.
This bed is cold, despite my cover,
Still two pillows, absent one lover. I see the contrast between the pillows and the lover, but it doesn't sound good.
My dreams are haunted
By the memory of your flame, Not much has been offered as to why speaker compares his lover to a flame.
All it takes is the thought of your name.
This house is empty, cold and dark;
Lifeless and dead without your love's spark.
I wish I could find the answer to this crime. A crime occured, but there's no mention of what that crime is. Is is the loss itself which is the crime, or has a crime caused the loss?
For once I welcome, the swiftness of time.

[Volaticus]

I find myself running around
finding things to do,
Just to keep my mind
from wondering back to you.
This bed is cold, despite my cover,
Still two pillows, absent one lover.
My dreams are haunted
By the memory of your flame,
All it takes is the thought of your name.
This house is empty, cold and dark;
Lifeless and dead without your love's spark.
I wish I could find the answer to this crime.
For once I welcome, the swiftness of time.

Hi,
I quite enjoyed reading your poem, and the most of it had a good flow.
Two things though, came to me. Line 6, though I really like this line, to me it did sound a bit clumsy. Minor detail
And in line 12: I can't find any other references to a crime, so that confused me as a reader.
Cheers

[billy]

no line by lines in novice mikey

---

at present it feels pretty weak i think you could remove a lot of filler lines and replace them with images and thoughts that are solid. the 1st 4 lines are the main culprit and the poem proper starts at the 5th line for me. words like still and phrases like for once, add little if anything.

after L5, and L6, your next decent line is the last one. build the poem round these 3 lines. 3 lines of decent poetry is a good start, and it's also enough to work with on an edit.

I find myself running around
finding things to do,
Just to keep my mind
from wondering back to you.
This bed is cold, despite my cover,
Still two pillows, absent one lover.
My dreams are haunted
By the memory of your flame,
All it takes is the thought of your name.
This house is empty, cold and dark;
Lifeless and dead without your love's spark.
I wish I could find the answer to this crime.
For once I welcome, the swiftness of time.

[NakedBear]

no line by lines in novice mikey

[/quote]

And here I thought I'd gotten away with it, too! I'll try to not do another liner in novice.