The Perpetual Plight of Being

[elizabethvisser]

From the birth of breath,
your young mind
burdened,
thoughts? imprisoned,
feet fettered to the pilgrimage of humanity

You’re flying, flying!
falling?

fallen.

still, time passes,
you wander on -
and the
ones that burned the
brightest
fall so fast
and
pass
you
by.

- their odyssey of existence
deemed
but a futile plight.

“I’m still young”, you say
but vitality fades, radiance dulls
and
eventually, or is it suddenly?
your head once
determined and demanding,
is bleached reticent...hard;
unwilling to trek forward - or unable.

and yet
you’re forever searching.

Forever forgetting, that time passes,

runs out -
while you’re still
searching, searching.

and suddenly you’re

sinking

sunk,

throat burning
of words
unsaid, adventure
ignored, seconds
neglected -

- what now?

relief.

alas,

moments, memories,
you,
gone.

[elizabethvisser]

So this is the first poem i've written, and would really love any kind of feedback!

[UnicornRainbowCake]

What caught my eye straight away was the title, which I love.

For Novice, there's not much I can critique about this - when layout is done well, it works brilliantly. That's definitely the case in your piece.

Perhaps look at starting your whole poem from "I’m still young”, you say". Although I like the ideas that are introduced before this, it is also quite wordy.

Great poem

[Zero]

This poem has been a good read for me, very well written.
The words expressed and the contradicting effects used had made a huge impact on why I like the poem.

[elizabethvisser]

Thank you so much!

[Snags]

I enjoyed the layout too; I tend to find myself more drawn in when the layout forms part of or takes the place of punctuation, and creates pace and rhythm. First poem or not, I enjoyed the poise and control throughout. There are almost always things you can tweak and fiddle with hunting for perfection; I'm glad you let that one out to see the sunlight and catch a breath.