The familar ache

[Kayleeann]

Would you have ever thought that
when someone is reimbursed or filled with memories of you,
they begin to inflict pain upon themselves?
Just the slightest glimpse of what once was
leaves them empty and hallow so they turn to drugs.
When the scenes play like shards of glass;
I am broken into pieces.
You cant remember how it looked when it first began
nor can you ever put it back together.
All you can do is look at these pieces you are left with.
Sometimes I try to swallow the scenes, the broken pieces,
but they leave my throat with open lesions
and then it gets very hard to breathe.
This is where I start to loose it.








first entry, any feedback would be nice!

[NakedBear]

Would you have ever thought that
when someone is reimbursed or filled with memories of you,
they begin to inflict pain upon themselves?
Just the slightest glimpse of what once was
leaves them empty and hallow so they turn to drugs.
When the scenes play like shards of glass;
I am broken into pieces.
You cant remember how it looked when it first began
nor can you ever put it back together.
All you can do is look at these pieces you are left with.
Sometimes I try to swallow the scenes, the broken pieces,
but they leave my throat with open lesions
and then it gets very hard to breathe.
This is where I start to loose it.

Hello.

You could cut Line 1 through 5, and start this poem on line 6. The material cut could be partly re-written as scene where speaker is ingesting drugs. The reason for the drug ingestion can be better expressed by expanding on the broken glass image. Who broke it? How? When? etc.

A fun exercise would be to take the same theme and write a few versions of it. That is, write one, then write a new one. Which image do you really want to use, and what different options do you have in presenting it? A couple good issues to explore.

Take care.

[Snags]

I'm with Mikey; the first five lines are a bit too narrative, but it changes gear at line 6. Making line 6 the opener lifts the dynamic and gets you straight into something more visual and accessible.

It might be interesting to make it a little punchier too? Maybe cut some of the pronouns, e.g.:

When the scenes play like shards of glass;
I am broken into pieces.
Can't remember how it looked
when it first began
can't ever put it back
together.

Dunno, just a thought. Spinning out from the current end into picking up the original "Do you have any clue what you do to others?" riff, particularly from the final "... start to lose it." could get really powerful - you can then demonstrate the how/why of losing it.

There are some good strong images in there - the shards, broken glass, swallowing the past/emotion; a little tightening up, cut some words, leave space for the impressions to blossom on their own, and it could really open out.