Haiku: Destiny (Working Title)

[ElizabethLestrad]

"Destiny"
By: Elizabeth Lestrad (as Yukiko Kazumi)

A lone warrior treads
softly over crimson snow
to her destiny.


There's three things I'm trying to portray here:
1. Sadness on the part of the author/subject
2. When it takes place, and what's going on around her.
3. A warrior's courage in the face of death.

I don't claim to be a poet, but am seeking critiques to see if I meet my own objectives within the Haiku and to seek suggestions/advice on translating it into a proper 5-7-5 Japanese haiku in the traditional style.

[billy]

hi elizabeth

i think it's more of a senryu, because of destiny which is more a concept than an image
basho may have wrote

to her dinner
or
to my bed
but i see you wish to be more serious.



the crimson snow i presume represent blood in winter. so it's a battles aftermath?
the first two lines create a good image. no need really to tell us what you're trying to show, it may taint our own perceptions of the piece.
great effort

"Destiny"
By: Elizabeth Lestrad (as Yukiko Kazumi)

A lone warrior treads
softly over crimson snow
to her destiny.


There's three things I'm trying to portray here:
1. Sadness on the part of the author/subject
2. When it takes place, and what's going on around her.
3. A warrior's courage in the face of death.

I don't claim to be a poet, but am seeking critiques to see if I meet my own objectives within the Haiku and to seek suggestions/advice on translating it into a proper 5-7-5 Japanese haiku in the traditional style.

[ElizabethLestrad]

hi elizabeth

i think it's more of a senryu, because of destiny which is more a concept than an image

Well that would be problematic, as it was written so that the first two lines provide the backdrop the image of the third line is supposed to provide. That and the only two alternatives for the third line were:

to face an army
or
as the enemy comes

and both, in my opinion, while providing a clear picture of the 'end game', causes it to loose the eloquence and romantic nobility of heroic sacrifice. The first one, while it could be taken in a heroic context, could also be taken as 'wow, shes stupid'. Meanwhile the second line could too easily be interpreted as the warrior being butchered, and there's nothing heroic or romantic about that.

It was inspired by the concept of the Atsumori dance and the idea of the well known line "Though I walk through the valley of death I shall fear no evil". Granted Nobunaga didn't know he was about to die when he did the Atsumori, but the subject in my poem does. Thus the image of the third line is supposed to strengthen the image of the first two lines and vice versa to paint an overall image.

Granted its hard to portay a clear image of how heroic and noble I'm trying to portray 'the warrior' as without the context of the scene. That's hard to do in 5-7-5. *laughs* It was actually hard enough to get the seasonal word in without cheapening the scene so I went for the bleakness of winter not only for the artistic value because it strengthens the image of the warrior as a 'light in the darkness'.

I'll have to dig up the old fashioned haiku rules again and see what I can do as I have to ensure that the English is perfect before I can see about getting it translated to Japanese.

[billy]

not sure you can properly translate a haiku to or from their respective languages as they are to alien from each other,
basho's frog pond haiku has been traqnslated multiple times and each one is different.the 575 format just isn't the same in japanese characters

[Truerenigma]

hi elizabeth

i think it's more of a senryu, because of destiny which is more a concept than an image

Well that would be problematic, as it was written so that the first two lines provide the backdrop the image of the third line is supposed to provide. That and the only two alternatives for the third line were:

to face an army
or
as the enemy comes

and both, in my opinion, while providing a clear picture of the 'end game', causes it to loose the eloquence and romantic nobility of heroic sacrifice. The first one, while it could be taken in a heroic context, could also be taken as 'wow, shes stupid'. Meanwhile the second line could too easily be interpreted as the warrior being butchered, and there's nothing heroic or romantic about that.

It was inspired by the concept of the Atsumori dance and the idea of the well known line "Though I walk through the valley of death I shall fear no evil". Granted Nobunaga didn't know he was about to die when he did the Atsumori, but the subject in my poem does. Thus the image of the third line is supposed to strengthen the image of the first two lines and vice versa to paint an overall image.

Granted its hard to portay a clear image of how heroic and noble I'm trying to portray 'the warrior' as without the context of the scene. That's hard to do in 5-7-5. *laughs* It was actually hard enough to get the seasonal word in without cheapening the scene so I went for the bleakness of winter not only for the artistic value because it strengthens the image of the warrior as a 'light in the darkness'.

I'll have to dig up the old fashioned haiku rules again and see what I can do as I have to ensure that the English is perfect before I can see about getting it translated to Japanese.

Forget the 5,7,5 just keep the content as a simple, naturally perceived image, with presumption.
L3
Towards the battlefield

---

To face an army