the poet

[justcloudy]

here begins the revision:

THE POET, part 1

the most important thing
“they say” (they say)
is WRITE
and write
and right, I’ve been willing
I’ve been wanting
but I’ve been waiting
for a spark to sparkle
some words, a phrase
to substantize behind my eyes
and resonate
and echo in my brain.

I wait for that interior beat
those tiny tight fists
which steadily pummel
until I release
onto paper
onto a screen
a scream
my scream.

with deafening insistence
it pleads to be let out
outside the maze
of uncategorized swirls,
mixing dark and light and color
that populate
my mind.





THE POET, part 2

create something new:
a writer's work
something still unborn
yet unconceived

7 billion versions
viewpoints
visions
of the same old life
same tired world
we each experience.
eyes, coupled,
see differently.
but seven billion
expressable words
don’t function
in any language.

still we do know
what is known
what is seen
and felt and sipped
from the cup of life,
we know;
and to repeat it blandly
colors lacking
flavors dull
makes no artist.

and a writer
is no poet
without his artist
still intact.




THE POET, part 3

CREATE they say
you cannot CONSUME
they say
if you do not create.
you are not welcome
if you do not participate
in our dance around the world.
do not upset
our precarious balance,
tiptoe on the top
of the rotating globe
full of those who gobble
powered by those who make;

one false step
and it'll tip
with the rest
into shit.







here begins the original version:

THE POET, part 1

the most important thing
they say
“they say”
is WRITE
and write
and right, I’ve been willing
I’ve been wanting
but I’ve been waiting
for some spark to sparkle
some words, a phrase
to substantize behind my eyes
and resonate
and echo in my brain

I wait for that interior beat
tiny tight fists
pummel
until I release
onto paper
onto a screen
a scream
my scream

it pleads to be let out
outside the maze
of uncategorized swirls
mixing dark and light and color
that populate
my mind











THE POET, part 2

create something new:
a writer's work
something yet unseen
something yet unborn
yet thought up

7 billion versions
viewpoints
visions
of the same old life
the same old world
we all know.
eyes see differently
but can words
say differently?
there are not 7 billion words
in any language.

we know
what is known
we know
what is seen
and felt and sipped
from the cup of life
and to repeat it blandly
colors lacking
flavors dull
makes no artist.

and no writer cannot be an artist too










THE POET, part 3

CREATE they say
you cannot CONSUME
they say
if you do not create
you are not welcome
if you do not participate
in our dance around the world
do not upset
our precarious balance
tiptoe on the top
of the rotating globe
full of those who gobble
powered by those who make

one false step
and it'll tip
with the rest
into shit.

[billy]

hi goldy.

i wonder if something more solid than the 1st 'They say' who say?
i think some of the wordyness is excessive in a couple of places. i enjoy the feel of rant in the lower part of the poem but i think you need more of a punch. i almost missed parts 2 and three because of the large gaps between stanza.

not bad but i think it does need a bit more depth.
thanks for the read.

THE POET, part 1

the most important thing
they say
“they say”
is WRITE
and write
and right, I’ve been willing i like the transition
I’ve been wanting
but I’ve been waiting
for some spark to sparkle
some words, a phrase
to substantize behind my eyes
and resonate
and echo in my brain

I wait for that interior beat i like this line, it's feels like hope
tiny tight fists
pummel
until I release
onto paper
onto a screen
a scream
my scream

it pleads to be let out
outside the maze
of uncategorized swirls
mixing dark and light and color
that populate
my mind











THE POET, part 2

create something new:
a writer's work
something yet unseen
something yet unborn
yet thought up

7 billion versions
viewpoints
visions
of the same old life
the same old world
we all know.
eyes see differently
but can words
say differently?
there are not 7 billion words the permutations of words in the english language are arguably infinte. but i get the frift of pointlessness, the how am i supposed to be original questioning
in any language.

we know
what is known
we know
what is seen
and felt and sipped
from the cup of life
and to repeat it blandly
colors lacking
flavors dull
makes no artist.

and no writer cannot be an artist too










THE POET, part 3

CREATE they say
you cannot CONSUME
they say
if you do not create
you are not welcome
if you do not participate
in our dance around the world
do not upset
our precarious balance
tiptoe on the top
of the rotating globe
full of those who gobble
powered by those who make i think this stanza works well, poets like evryone else are often made to feel as though they should be shoehorned into some kind of box...critic's are part of that problem also but maybe a positive part. this stanza feel a bit like a rant (which isn't a bad thing )
one false step
and it'll tip
with the rest
into shit. i love the closure.

[rowens]

It's the spirit of creation. Spirit is the energy from the friction of the conflict you've addressed here. It's an energy that smells bad at first, but others get used to it, and then they might even like it. I'm not talking in metaphors, I literally mean that creative energy stinks. It's a fume that can make people high if done right, like any other poison. If anyone could tell you how to do it right, there wouldn't be that special tension it needs. Everything else about critique is fun and games.

[serge gurkski]

I like this poem of course, just like anything you write.
I think, this time I'd use punctuation.

"it pleads to be let out
outside the maze
of uncategorized swirls"

my favorite lines.

[justcloudy]

Billy: thanks for the feedback. I see what you mean about the wordiness, thx. also, I put huge gaps because really it's 3 poems but they're meant to be read as a whole, so I didn't want to post one each day for 3 days.
Rowens: yes and yes.
Serge: wow that's so flattering. thank you so much. ^____^ I'll try it out with punctuation and see what I think. and yea, I'm a fan of the uncategorized swirls too.

[serge gurkski]

( i am not a punctuation freak. If you need one ask tec. He'll be right there. ,-) )
seriously: I just thought while reading your text some punction might be helpful for the reader by adding structure. Really no big thing. (tec may disagree ;-) )

anyway cheers it is a Saturday night.
,-)

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Oh my, I do love the third edit. It made me think and laugh and think some more. great stuff.
But it dose all sound very NWOish. Did you put up the georgia guidestones

[serge gurkski]

"until I release
onto paper
onto a screen
a scream
my scream"

Gold for this reader.

[justcloudy]

Jae: glad you liked it. =] they're actually a series of 3 poems not edits. I kept them all pretty different from each other on purpose, glad I you could connect with one of them =]

others: I posted an edit. trimmed here, added there. put in punctuation. thoughts?

thanks in advance.

[serge gurkski]

Oh, I missed this line first. Nice double entendre! :-)

"and no writer cannot be an artist too"

[Tommy]

"to substantize behind my eyes" I love that!

It's a beautiful poem I just have two notes.

I wanted to read it "and resonate an echo inside my brain.

There is something here that is turning on the word game part of my brain. Write right, spark sparkle, screen scream, globe gobble, know known, which made me wish for; 7 billion viewpoints, versions, visions... instead of 7 billion versions viewpoints, visions. I realize that there are intervening words between the other paired words but they are little ol' conjunctions. Having a big powerful V-word between versions visions somehow lessens the word play for me.

I approach this critique with some trepidation as your poem shows genius and I am green with envy. You were very helpful to me and it is my desire to bring the same to you.

[justcloudy]

Hi Tommy,

I'm so sorry I never replied to this. I was rereading my comments while attempting another edit and saw I hadn't answered. Thanks so much for the thoughts, I really appreciate your words and ideas.

I see why you wanted to read it like that... maybe I'll put is as "and resonate an(d) echo in my brain" ;D

And yes yes yes about the V-V-V comment, you're so right. Thanks for pointing that out.

(this is when I wish I was British and could end with "Cheers!")