A Silent Prayer - First Draft

[neena2504]

Hello all,
Please help me improve my writing, your suggestions, critic comments will help me shape these scribblings. Thanks a lot...

A Silent Prayer

Each morning the rising sun utters a silent prayer,
as its rays serene and white,
take the world in a loving embrace.

One more dawn, one more beginning,
one more chance to set things right,
to lead the soul to Divine Grace.

Why are the souls so morphed and masked?
What is the cause of humanity’s plight?
Why so deep in worldly stupor is every face?

Each morning the light beckons
but darkness in the hearts glows bright
blinds the eyes and leads the race.

[neena2504]

Hello JasonontheOcean,

First of all a big thank you for your comments, I am really surprised and shocked (in a good way) to see your analysis and the depth with which you have analyzed the meaning and sounds of this piece. Really, I feel so happy that you spent so much of time and spared so much of thought on this one.

To tell you the truth, I never thought so much about the sounds while writing, English is not my mother tongue and have studied English only till High School. Your comments made me want to study the language and literature some more and learn about the things that you have mentioned. I will try to incorporate your suggestions in this piece and in all my future writing.

Thank you so much,
Neena.

[ellajam]

I'm too amateur to provide any critique but I can provide a praise on the content! It's very visual and I was imagining the scene I was reading. It was beautiful like a snowflake. Reverent. Holy.

I really enjoyed it as it's what I try to work into my own poetry (in a different way)

Amateurs, like me, can participate fully here. A critique can be all positive, just try to be specific about what you think works so well. Hope you enjoy the site. ella/mod

[Wjames]

Hello all,
Please help me improve my writing, your suggestions, critic comments will help me shape these scribblings. Thanks a lot...

A Silent Prayer

Each morning the rising sun utters a silent prayer,
as its rays serene and white,  I don't think you need a comma here, I don't naturally pause at the end of the line.
take the world in a loving embrace.

One more dawn, one more beginning,
one more chance to set things right,
to lead the soul to Divine Grace. What is Divine Grace? I don't know, you might want to try and be more specific (concrete, real-world objects/images/sights/sounds/tastes/smells)

Why are the souls so morphed and masked?
What is the cause of humanity’s plight?
Why so deep in worldly stupor is every face? I may not agree with the (vague) questions being asked. Perhaps some specific examples of what you mean would make them more convincing. (i.e: show me a little word-movie of someone's soul being morphed/masked, and ask why that is the case.)

Each morning the light beckons
but darkness in the hearts glows bright
blinds the eyes and leads the race.

I think the poem needs more imagery, I want the poem to use my five senses to make me feel something. This is especially the case in a religious poem, where there are many abstract concepts that may mean nothing to the reader (divine grace, souls, darkness in the hearts).

It's definitely difficult to write about god without such abstractions though, so using imagery might be tough. Hopefully you get something from my thoughts.

[H[a/o]llowheart]

I liked how the poem transitioned from hope and peacefulness in the first half to cynicism and disappointment in the second half, and the contrast between the divine (sun, almost a savior-like image) and and the human ("deep in worldly stupor"). It had a calm and thoughtful tone to it which was nice. One small thing I might have changed is referring to the darkness in the heart as "bright" and "glowing". I think that it would make more sense to describe it as more dull, murky or grimy to better contrast it with the brightness of the sun's light. Also, another nitpick is how you refer to the sun as leading "the soul to Divine Grace," but then talk about the "souls" of humans, in plural. If the sun was hoping to help all of humanity, it would be more consistent to use the plural for both. This is my first criticism on this site so I hope I'm of some help!

[ellajam]

I really enjoy the dichotomy between the brightness of the sun rising and the "brightness" of the darkness in everyone's hearts. You paint an excellent picture of both of these things, and it's an excellent first draft.

Hi, Chris, welcome to the pen. If you think it's an excellent first draft can I assume you think an edit would improve it? It would be helpful if you can explain why. Thanks, ella/mod

[John]

Hello all,
Please help me improve my writing, your suggestions, critic comments will help me shape these scribblings. Thanks a lot...

A Silent Prayer

Each morning the rising sun utters a silent prayer, I read this as a metaphor for the aspirations of humanity. If it was your intention, it worked.
as its rays serene and white,
take the world in a loving embrace.

One more dawn, one more beginning,
one more chance to set things right,
to lead the soul to Divine Grace. One would have to know what soul, and Divine Grace meant.

Why are the souls so morphed and masked?
What is the cause of humanity’s plight?
Why so deep in worldly stupor is every face? In English, we would probably say, Why is every face so deep in worldly stupor? to avoid the grammatical inversion.

Each morning the light beckons
but darkness in the hearts glows bright I like this line: brightness in the sense that darkness is filling the senses. What a dichotomy!
blinds the eyes and leads the race.

Hi, Neena.

Haven't been on the forum long, so missed this from so long ago. Glad it got resurrected. Just a few comments above if they are of any help.

So often what may be termed religiously-themed poems pre-suppose that the reader knows what you're talking about. Address these concepts as to a child (e.g. treat me like a child when I learn French) and the reader will be on your side. It's not patronising, so don't worry. This poem is pertinent today as never before.

You've also kept the rhyme scheme  throughout, which is admirable. The form and structure has remained firm.

Overall you've a simple but rather profound poem. Good stuff.