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I am the truth when all you hear is lies.
I am the proof, look into my eyes.
I am the youth, like tomorrows bride.
I am the moon, only alive at night like dreams that flee at dawns first light.
I am your wants, your desires and dreams,
Why do you scheme for material things?
It's not the house or the accounts that make you a king;
but the revolutions and revelations you bring.
Flesh can die and bones and break
only names stay written in the book of fate.
I am the drum that beats inside your chest,
your holy knight. Your sword. Your crest.
I am the blood that courses through your veins,
and the red dust of your remains.
I am the air that fills your lungs with every breath,
'til the reaper comes to lay to rest.
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Some brilliant lines in this. I thought it read well with a sense of flow. "only alive at night like dreams that flee at dawns first light" love this line and this one"It's not the house or the accounts that make you a king; but the revolutions and revelations you bring."and"til the reaper comes and lays you to rest."and"til the reaper comes and lays you to rest." A few cliches but hey, my poems are a list of cliches.
Take my comments with a pinch of salt
I have no knowledge about a lot.
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Fantastic. It really reads well. My only critique is a grammatical one. the line "'til the reaper comes and lay you to rest" should be "comes and lays" or "comes to lay". I really like the sense of rhythm though.
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(03-13-2013, 06:51 AM)karinane Wrote: Fantastic. It really reads well. My only critique is a grammatical one. the line "'til the reaper comes and lay you to rest" should be "comes and lays" or "comes to lay". I really like the sense of rhythm though.
Thank you!!! That line has been giving me trouble, I re-wrote it several times but it seemed to be just a tad off beat compared to the rest of the poem. However, switching it to " 'till the reaper comes to lay you to rest" makes it fit perfectly
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I just altered the crap out of the original post, so here is the original:
I am the truth when all your hear is lies.
I am the proof, look into my eyes.
I am the youth, like tomorrows bride.
I am the moon, only alive at night like dreams that flee at dawns first light.
I am your wants, your desires and dreams,
Why do you scheme for material things?
It's not the house or the accounts that make you a king;
but the revolutions you bring,
so make sure you leave a name for the world to sing.
I am the drum that beats in your chest,
A holy knight, his sword and his crest.
I am the blood that courses through your veins,
and when you're gone I'll be the dust of your remains.
I am the air that fills your lungs with every breath,
'til the reaper comes and lays you to rest.
I am the collective thinking of the entire human race,
the connective piece that holds time and space in place.
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Hi milemke08, I like this a lot, I feel it has a song quality to it, I also like the line 'til the reaper comes and lays you to rest.' So personally I think the repetition of that line after each stanza and repeating the first stanza again would enhance the piece- thanks for sharing.
saeity.
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Can't comment right now but agree with the other critics. I think it should be elevated to "serious".
cheers
serge
I like many lines in this poem. I personally had some trouble finding the rhythm, but it wasn't disturbing. The alteration indeed is an improvement to the original. You added some nice drama in lines like ''your holy knight. Your sword. Your crest." Good job overall and refreshing in terms of choosing imagery.
It starts off like that Metallica song. But then it expands.
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I loved the imagery from this.
Great revision, rhyming flows well.
Enjoyed reading this
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Wow I really like this poem very well thought out.
