learn

[Freezy]

I learned how to be a man
when I stopped being like other people,
especially my dad, with his sore red eyes
that I once claimed to be mine (but I digress.)

I didn't look back
but it was not my business
to deprive others of my feeble guise
(why lie when there's nothing to conceal)?

I see it now: I have no one to trust;
no one person to call
my own
as I howl, “look mum, no arms…"
and tear up.

[justcloudy]

hi Freezy

the first stanza isn't bad, especially the last two lines. in them the reader can "see" the father with his red eyes (from alcohol, drugs?) and how the subject fell into that trap for a while but climbed out. it's well done.

however, the rest of the poem doesn't give us any images like that to grasp on to. the only other part is the "look mum, no arms" but while there I think of a kid on a bicycle, it doesn't seem like that's what you're going for, so then it's just more confusing than anything else.

you've touched on a topic worth expanding on and you have some nice little bits. if you give structure with some images you'll even be able to keep some of the non-image lines, S2L1 or the first part of S3 for example.

keep working on it.

--Goldyfish

[Todd]

Hi Freezy, Welcome to the site! Just wanted to give you a quick heads up since you're new. We expect members to critique other members poems, which in the novice or mild forums can be as easy as saying:

I like what you did here and this is way, or I didn't like this and this is why.

So, please step out and give something back to the people that freely gave to you. It can be intimidating, but you'll get used to it.

Thanks,

Todd

[Seth31]

Hello Freezy! I enjoy the topic of the poem. The message of it can reach out to a great many people (including myself) of whom have experienced a similar experience. I especially like the effect the effect of your punctuation in the first two lines of the third stanza. It really stresses the importance, and I think you should expand upon and end your poem with the same idea. That way the effect of the stanza would be very immense. You've got something going, keep going at it.