Borderline

[gs1234]

kinda angsty, my first poem haha


Borderline

I’m wasted,
Shaded.
You’d think I’m kinda’ jaded.
Stuck in the muck of self-contempt,
The chosen son his time has spent.

I’m weightless,
Faithless.
My everything is baseless.
Wrought with the thought of self-contempt,
The borderline is blurred and bent.

Who else can I blame?
For how long can I lie?
Will I admit,
My faults where they lie?
Can I overcome,
My demons inside?
Can’t I just die?
Shut the fuck up you insuff’rable fly,
If you bitch anymore can’t you see you’ll belie,
All that you’ve bled for, shed tears for, left pride.

I’m crushed,
Defeated,
My energy depleted.
My parody, authored by me,
Fades to a whine, internally.

[Michelle311]

Hi gjsiii, see some of my comments below. I think it kind of reads like a rap. That could be in my head, was listening to rap earlier..

kinda angsty, my first poem haha


Borderline

I’m wasted,
Shaded.
You’d think I’m kinda’ jaded. I don't think you need the ' after kinda
Stuck in the muck of self-contempt,
The chosen son his time has spent. I don't understand this line, probably just me..?

I’m weightless,
Faithless.
My everything is baseless.
Wrought with the thought of self-contempt,Maybe use something else here, I'm not feeling the repetition
The borderline is blurred and bent.

Who else can I blame?
For how long can I lie?
Will I admit,
My faults where they lie? seems like a forced rhyme here
Can I overcome,
My demons inside?
Can’t I just die?
Shut the fuck up you insuff’rable fly, Liking this line, I don't think you need to abbreviate insufferable though
If you bitch anymore can’t you see you’ll belie, Also seems forced
All that you’ve bled for, shed tears for, left pride.

I’m crushed,
Defeated,
My energy depleted.
My parody, authored by me,
Fades to a whine, internally. I like your last two lines

Hope I was of some help

Thanks,
-M

[DizzyEyedShrew]

I read this very angsty and fast tempo'd and I agree, it does sound like a rap. But a damn good rap! Some parts did seem like forced rhyms but other than that I loved the intensity of it.